marți, 17 iulie 2012

METODE DE A PASTRA UN NIVEL NORMAL DE NEBUNIE LA LOCUL DE MUNCA


Nu imi apartin, dar impreuna cu colegii am putea adauga cateva metode interesante listei...


* Cauta la telefon pe cineva din alt birou pe care nu‑l prea cunosti, lasa‑ti numele si mesajul “Am sunat doar sa‑ti spun ca nu pot vorbi acum. Pa. ”
* Pune plasa de tantari in jurul biroului.
*De fiecare data cand cineva te roaga sa faci ceva, intreaba daca vrea si garnitura de cartofi prajiti langa.
* Daca ai un ochi de sticla, bate in el din cand in cand cu stiloul in timp ce vorbesti cu cineva la sedinta.
* Fa beep‑uri cand cineva mai dolofan da cu spatele.
* Termina‑ti toate frazele cu “dupa cum zice profetia”.
* Mormaie ceva fara noima catre un coleg apoi intreaba‑l “Ai inteles ce ti‑am zis ca n‑am chef sa repet?”
* Raspunde la orice zice cineva cu “Tu asa crezi?”.
* Vezi de unde‑si face seful tau cumparaturile si cumpara aceleasi haine ca si el. Intotdeauna poarta‑le la o zi dupa ce le‑a purtat el. (Asta are indeosebi efect daca seful tau e de alt sex decat tine)
* Vino la serviciu imbracat in haine militaresti transpirate si cand esti intrebat de ce, raspunde “Nu pot sa vorbesc despre asta”.
* Trimite un email la toti angajatii in care le spui ce faci. De exemplu “Daca ma cauta cineva, sunt la toaleta”.
* Repeta conversatia asta de cateva ori: “Auzi si tu?” “Ce?” “Nimic, a disparut.”
* Pe cat posibil sari in loc sa mergi.
* Cand aproape ai terminat, anunta “Nu, stai! Am  gresit.” si ia‑o de la inceput.
* Cand faci prezentari, din cand in cand misca‑ti capul pe verticala ca un papagal.
* Pune colegilor intrebari misterioase si apoi noteaza‑le raspunsul intr‑un carnetel. Bolboroseste ceva despre “profile psihologice”.
* Intoarce‑te cu spatele la sedinta, spre o fereastra, cu picioarele cracanate. Anunta ca iubesti “orasul asta porcos”.
* Reflecta lumina soarelui in ochii colegilor folosindu‑ti ceasul.
* Da‑ti pantofii cu marker fosforescent. Spune‑le oamenilor ca nu ti‑ai pierdut niciodata pantofii de cand faci asta.
* Cand cineva iti da o hartie, pipai‑o si sopteste duios “Mmmmmmmm, ce bine e!”
* Cand iti duci colegii cu masina, insista sa lasi stergatoarele de parbriz sa mearga, chiar daca nu ploua, “ca sa le mentii in forma”.
* Apleaca‑te la robinet si bea direct de acolo.
* Striga numere aleatoare cand cineva numara.
* Capseaza paginile fix in centru.
* Investigheaza in public cat de lent poti sa scoti un oracait de broasca.
* SCRIE NUMAI CU LITERE MARI.
* scrie numai cu litere mici
* nu folosi nici semne de punctuatie
Poti incerca si cateva dintre urmatoarele  exercitii simpatice, nu numai ca o sa faca sedintele mai interesante dar si colegii tai vor deveni brusc mai atenti si o sa mentina o distanta respectabila.  Urmand aceste indicatii simple in timpul unor sedinte importante o sa ai un succes remarcabil!
* Prinde discret pe cineva de mana si sopteste‑i cu coltul gurii “simti si tu?”
* Mesteca guma strident.
* Poarta un hands‑free si din cand in cand intra intr‑o conversatie paralela cum ar fi: “Nu ma intereseaza daca nu sunt pitici, da drumul la spectacol odata!”
* Scrie “te place” pe clipboard‑ul tau si arata‑i persoanei de langa tine in timp ce te arati cu stiloul.
* Raspunde la o intrebare serioasa cu “Nu stiu ce sa zic, bineinteles sunt flatat, dar e prea devreme”.
* Reconstruieste sedinta cu soldatei de plastic pe masa si cand cineva se misca rearanjeaza figurinele in consecinta.
* Epileaza‑ti un antebrat.
* Du‑te direct spre un coleg si stai nas in nas cu el pentru un minut.
* Urca‑te pe birou si mergi de‑a lungul ei inainte de a te aseza pe scaun.
* Fa gargara cu apa din pahar.
* Repeta fiecare idee exprimata cu o voce pitigaiata  in timp ce dai din mana ca o gura sloboda.
* Muta‑te cu scaunul din ce in ce mai aproape de usa .
* Murmura tot timpul sedintei.
* Scoate o legatura mare de bancnote si incepe sa le numeri demonstrativ.
* Apleaca‑te sub masa apoi ridica‑te purtand lentile de contact care iti fac ochii complet albi.
* Foloseste un cutit mare de vanatoare ca sa indici notitele de pe tabla.
* Anunta ca ai descoperit niste copii ale programului sedintei. Imparte hartii pe care scrie: Programul meu secret:
1. Calca in picoare pe cei slabi
2. Triumfa de unul singur
3. Invadeaza Polonia

Strange apoi hartiile cu plictiseala si roaga‑i pe ceilalti sa uite ce au vazut.
* Fa pauze lungi in momente aleatoare cand vorbesti.
Cand cineva se pregateste sa intervina ridica tonul la el: “NU AM TERMINAT.”

luni, 18 iunie 2012

ADEVARATA Istorie a civilizatie


~articol gasit; nu imi apartine~

3050 Î.HR.- Un sumerian inventeaza roata. Într-o saptamâna, ideea este furata si multiplicata de alti sumerieni, astfel creând etica în afaceri pentru timpurile ce vor veni.
2900 Î.HR.- Întrebarea de ce Egiptenii si-au numit noul lor lucru Sfinx devine prima dintre cele 7 minuni ale lumii.
1850 Î.HR.- Bretonii proclama operatiunea Stonehenge un succes. În sfârsit au aranjat acei bolovani într-un mod fara nici un sens pentru a deruta cercetatorii pentru multa vreme.
1785 Î.HR.- Primul calendar, compus dintr-un an cu 354 de zile a fost introdus de cercetatorii Babilonieni.
1768 Î.HR.- Babilonienii si-au dat seama ca ceva nu este în regula cu el atunci când iarna a început în iunie.
776 Î.HR.- Primii bani din lume apar în Persia, cauzând aparitia primului falsificator de bani în ziua urmatoare.
410 Î.HR.- Roma renunta la obiceiul de a face din debitori sclavi, astfel eliminând cel mai mare obstacol din calea aparitiei cartii de credit.
404 Î.HR.- Razboiul Peloponesian este în toi de 27 de ani deoarece nici una dintre parti nu este în stare sa gaseasca un scrib care sa stie cum se scrie Peloponesian.
214 Î.HR.- Zeci de mii de chinezi lucreaza o generatie întreaga pentru a construi Marele Zid Chinezesc lung de 1500 de mile. Si dupa toate astea, tot nu tine câinele vecinului afara din curte.
1 Î.HR.- Cei care creeaza calendare nu reusesc sa decida cum sa numeasca anul urmator.
79 A.D. – Cumpararea de proprietati imobiliare în Pompei se arata a fi o investitie proasta.
432 - Sfântul Patrick introduce crestinismul în Irlanda, astfel dând locuitorilor ceva interesant pentru care se pot bate pentru restul istoriei înregistrate.
1000 - Leif Ericsson descopera America, dar hotaraste ca nu merita sa spuna acest lucru.
1043 - Lady Godiva gaseste o metoda de a demonstra împotriva taxelor mari care imediat îi face pe toti sa uite pentru ce demonstreaza.
1125 - Cifrele araba sunt introduse în Europa, permitând taranilor sa rezolve problema cea mai arzatoare: Cât trebuie sa plateasca taxe pentru un venit de MMDCCCLX Lire când se încadreaza în regimul de XXXVI la suta?
1233 – Inchizitia tortureaza pe toti care nu sunt de acord cu legile Bisericii. Totusi, aceasta practica este ne-Crestina astfel încât se permite folosirea ei doar pentru 600 de ani.
1297 – Se deschide prima bursa din lume, dar nimeni nu anticipeaza sa cumpere IBM sau XEROX.
1433 – Portugalia introduce comertul cu sclavii, ceea ce demonstreaza ce poate sa faca o tara mica, dar ambitioasa, cu putina ingeniozitate si multa rautate.
1456 – Un judecator englez revizuieste cazul Ioanei D’Arc si îi anuleaza pedeapsa cu moartea. Din pacate, ea a fost omorâta în 1431.
1492 – Columb demonstreaza cât de pierdut este atunci când debarca în Bahamas, numeste locul San Salvador si pe locuitorii de acolo îi face indieni.
1497 - Amerigo Vespucci este al 7-lea sau al 8-lea explorator care ajunge în lumea noua, dar primul care sa gândeste sa îi dea un nume în onoarea lui… Statele unite ale Vespucciei.
1508 - Michelangelo este în final de acord sa picteze tavanul Capelei Sixtine, dar refuza sa spele geamurile.
1513 - Ponce de Leon pretinde ca a gasit fântâna tineretii, dar moare de batrânete încerând sa-si aminteasca unde a gasit-o.
1522 – Oamenii de stiinta, care stiu ca pamântul este plat, au concluzionat ca Magellan l-a înconjurat târându-se pe fundul acestuia.
1568 – Suparat de bârfele legate de numele sau, Ivan cel Teribil mai omoara 100.000 de tarani pentru a nu-i mai lasa sa-l numeasca Ivan cel Teribil.
1618 – Generatii urmatoare sunt condamnate atunci când englezii îl executa pe Sir Walter Raleigh, dar permit plantelor lui de tabac sa creasca.
1642 – Noua studenti primesc diploma de Masterat în arte oferita în America si îsi dau seama imediat ca nu exista slujbe pentru un copil cu educatie în arte.
1670 – Pelerinii sunt prea ocupati sa arda vrajitoare false ca nu observa aniversarea de aur a libertatii lor
1755 - Samuel Johnson scrie primul dictionar Englez, în sfârsit oferind copiilor mici o carte în care pot sa caute cuvinte murdare.
1758 - New Jersey este ales ca locul pentru prima rezervatie de Indieni, pentru a le da indienilor o mostra din conditiile de trei pe care le vor avea în continuare.
1763 – Se încheie razboiul dintre Francezi si indieni. Ambele state pierd.
1770 – Împuscarea a trei oameni în Masacrul din Boston declanseaza revolutia. Dupa 200 de ani, trei împuscaturi sunt media pentru o noapte obisnuita de sâmbata.
1773 – Colonistii arunca ceai în portul Boston. Englezii numesc acest act „barbaric”, notând ca nimeni nu a adaugat frisca.
1776 – Napoleon decide sa ramâna neutru în Revolutia Americana, probabil deoarece avea doar 7 ani.
1779 - John Paul Jones anunta englezii ca „Abia am început sa lupt” si se simte destul de ridicol atunci când îsi da seama ca nava lui se scufunda.
1793 - "Lasa-i sa manânce prajitura!" devine cel mai faimos lucru spus de Marie Antoinette, de asemenea si cel mai putin diplomatic lucru spus de ea. Si de asemenea ultimul lucru pe care l-a spus.
1799 – Traducerea Pietrelor de la Rosseta permite în final cercetatorilor sa îsi dea seama ca hieroglifele egiptene nu zic nimic important: „Draga Ramses, ce mai faci? Eu sunt bine!”.
1805 - Robert Fulton inventeaza torpila.
1807 - Robert Fulton inventeaza nava cu aburi pentru a avea ce sa distruga cu torpila.
1815 – Se stabileste politica Postei deoarece Andrew Jackson câstiga lupta de la New Orleans la o luna dupa ce ar fi trebuit sa primeasca scrisoarea care sa-i spuna ca razboiul din 1812 s-a terminat.
1850 - Henry Clay anunta, "mai bine sa fiu drept decât presedinte," ceea ce stârneste râsul, venind de la un tip are a candidat pentru presedintie de 5 ori fara sa câstige.
1859 - Charles Darwin scrie „Originea speciilor”. Are acelasi subiect ca si „Planeta maimutelor”, dar nu reuseste sa strânga la fel de multi bani.
1865 – Soldatii Uniunii au în fata cea mai mare provocare. Sa îl scoata pe generalul Grant din betie astfel încât sa poata accepta predarea lui Lee.
1894 - Thomas Edison prezinta primul lui film si tuturor le place, mai putin criticilor de film.
1903 – Deschiderea Raii ferate Trans-Siberiene permite pasagerilor sa ajunga de la Moscova la Vladivostok în 8 zile, ceea ce e mult mai rapid decât si-ar dori vreo-unul sa ajunga acolo.
1910 – Fondarea Cercetasilor Americani vine ca o veste proasta pentru batrânele care prefera sa treaca singure strada.
1911 - Ronald Amundsen descopera Polul Sud si confirma ce suspectase de mult: semana al naibii de mult cu Polul Nord.
1912 – Oamenii cu rezervari pe Titanic îsi primesc banii înapoi.
1920 – Al 18 amendament la Constitutie face consumul de alcool ilegal în America asa ca toata lumea se opreste din baut. Cu exceptia celor 40 de milioane care nu se opresc.
1924 - Hitler este eliberat din închisoare cu 4 ani mai repede, dupa ce a convins comisia de conduita ca este un om schimbat si ca nu va mai face probleme.
1928 - Herbert Hoover promite "un pui în fiecare oala si o masina în fiecare garaj", dar nu îsi da seama ca în curând americanii vor ramâne fara oale si garaje.
1930 - Pluto este descoperit. Nu câinele; planeta. Câinele este descoperit abia în 1938.
1933 – Casnicele germane încep sa îsi dea seama de ce acel nebun cu mustata care punea tapete nu se mai întoarce sa îsi termina lucrul.
1933 - Hitler fondeaza Al Treilea Reich si anunta ca va rezista 1000 de ani. Dupa cum au evoluat lucrurile, a gresit doar cu 988 de ani.
1938 – Marea Britanie si Germania semneaza un tratat de pace, astfel eliminând posibilitatea pornirii unui al doilea razboi mondial.
1944 – Promisiunea lui Hitler de a da câte un Volkswagen pentru fiecare neamt odata cu câstigarea razboiului nu pare a fi un stimulent asa de puternic.

sâmbătă, 28 ianuarie 2012

marți, 17 ianuarie 2012

Test

Admitere la Secţia de Poliţie
Chestionar de unică folosinţă
Timp limită: 3 săptămâni
1. Care este limba oficială în Franţa?

2. Susţineţi o dizertaţie despre resursele economice ale Babilonului antic SAU spuneţi care este
prenumele lui Ovidiu Ioaniţoaia (subiect la alegere)

3. Ce făcea William Shakespeare de obicei?
a) construia poduri
b) pilota elicoptere
c) SCRIA PIESE DE TEATRU !!!

4. Care este orientarea religioasa a PAPEI (alegeţi răspunsul corect)
a) Cultul mozaic
b) Catolicism
c) Budism
5. Transformaţi 0 metri în centimetri

6. Cum se numes locuitorii oraşului Buzău?
a) BUZOIENI
b) Constănţeni
c) Arădeni

7. Despărţiţi în silabe:
Ou.............................
Măr............................
Exhaustiv...................

8. Doi regi ai României au purtat numele de Carol. Cel de-al doilea se numea Carol al doilea.
Cum se numea primul?

9. Puteţi explica pe scurt Teoria Relativităţii a lui Einstein?
a) Da
b) Nu

10. La ce sunt folosite mingile de fotbal_

11. Explicaţi principiul lui „Le Chatelier” (facultativ) şi spuneţi cine l-a enunţat prima dată
(obligatoriu)

12. Cine l-a ucis pe Kennedy?

13. În ce zonă a României sunt mai mulţi canguri?
a) Banat
b) Moldova
c) Dobrogea
d) ÎN ROMÂNIA NU SUNT MAI MULŢI CANGURI

14. Dacă aveţi trei mere şi mâncaţi un sandviş câte mere vă rămân?
Semnătura.....................

sâmbătă, 1 octombrie 2011

Voyage, Voyage

Again on the road. It’s almost unbelievable… I am very tired, my head hurts and I’m on the train on my way to Luxembourg. I have no idea when I’ll get there… It’s starting to not even matter anymore… I will just write my first day in Luxembourg now, without thinking over…

Of course I got up very early even though I was dead tired last night from all the things I had to do. But I guess this is just the way things go. I haven’t even drunk my coffee as I didn’t have any left anymore so I just took an instant one… not so good but better than nothing I guess. I rechecked the luggage trying to put anything in place or to see if anything needs changing. Claudia, Marius and Florin walked me to the bus. I didn’t care what place to take so I just when in the back of the care. There were still two seats. It would only occur to me in Bacau that the three ladies standing next to me were going to Brussels as well. And then, next to me… next to me sit a young lady who happened to be a PhD student as well in Geography… a bigger coincidence has been her PhD thesis who happens to be in the Public Health of Neamt County… Nice… Of course we talked and shared some opinions about everything. She went to Brussels as well so of course we shared a taxi with her and another man, a young nurse who is working somewhere in the Flamand part of Belgium. While waiting in the airport we decided to order a pizza from downtown since there were no restaurants next to us. What a surprise for everyone when they saw us eating pizza in the airport courtyard… there was a Swiss football team waiting for their plane as well. They asked us the number so they could order too. I wanted to make a good deed and call for them to perhaps avoid burning in hell, but, exactly when I arrived in Brussels the girl from the pizza restaurant called me to tell me that no one waited for them there… probably their plane left earlier… so I will end up in hell anyway since that girl must have cursed me with all existing and new curses. And yes, I had a problem at the check in gate since my laptop back was somehow too big and the guy from the company didn’t want to let me in…. he suggested to put some more baggage in the cargo luggage but, luckily for me, the mister we were with, took some of my stuff into his bag, so everything end up ok … except for the terrible head ache I’ve been having ever since… I really hope for a hot shower and a long sleep tonight, so I can get back to my feet.. from the airport, the nurse left us there as me and the girl hang around to understand where to go, as the airport is huge. Well, at the train station in the basement of the airport I found out that I was having a train for Brussels north in 5 minutes where I needed to change to go to Luxembourg. Well, I got on the train, and I can honestly say I haven’t seen a train as ugly and bad smelling like that one back home for a while…. So perhaps we’re not that behind after all. I met a nice lady on the train how told where I should descend (the first station, 10 minutes of riding the train)… so again, I took down my 2 pieces of luggage of 35 kg summed up and my laptop bag and found myself all alone on the platform, when suddenly, like a miracle sent from up above, I saw on one of the prompters a train for Luxembourg. My only question was…. Was that a train for Luxembourg the station in Belgium (yes, there is one) or Luxembourg my city and my station? I asked twice, as I am paranoid, and when two men assured me I was about to get on the right train, I did move my stuff on. I was so happy when I saw that on 2 benches with a table (4 places) there was only one lady sit… I went straight to her and asked if the sits were taken. No, came the quick answer… even quicker came the answer to why there was no one standing next to her…. When asking if the train is good (yes, the third, time… paranoia is treatable) of course she said no…the funny part is that I was so tired and pissed off, that I didn’t bother… I just said ok and started swearing mentally, faster than the train was moving… well, the old crow tried to comfort me, saying that at least I will travel around Brussels (she claimed I were on a train in the city) and I were to see a lot of nice things and lots of trees and gardens… hardly did she finish to tell me that and we entered a bloody tunnel, for like 10 minutes, while I was asking was the murder penalty in Belgium. I understood how I was next to as soon as she wanted to help me and ask the train conductor… a nice boy walked then to me, telling me that he heard our conversation and comforting me that I’m on the good train… Have you ever seen an angel? I surely know how I would react now… she came back very surprise, laughing, telling me that I am on the good train … she just went on laughing every 30 seconds like a raccoon. I wouldn’t know what the best moment was... was it when she opened her mouth and her tooth, was shinning happy, all alone in there, or was is when she raised her arm and I had a preview of the black forest? How many endangered species were hiding there, anyway?! Yes, yes…. After a while she got hungry… why wouldn’t she?! She took out from her bag, which resembled more of morgue black bag a piece of bread and a jar of Nutella. Freaking Nutella … and she started to gently pass the bread through the jar, soaking it in the melted chocolate (25 degrees in Brussels, even more on the train)… she was bother to eat as loudly as possible and she hasn’t been bothered not even the train conductor who came to check the tickets. She politely invite to have some but I refused, telling her I had some peanut butter on the other train and some jelly on the plane… she told peanut butter is not good because you can die from it as it works like a glue and it gets stuck to esophagus. SHE WAS SERIOUS!!! And she told Brussels is funny but it’s not funny… it’s funny because it’s nice but it’s not funny because it has a train station that shares the same name with the country… and it’s not funny because the elevators don’t work in Brussels… and was stating she’s a lady and therefore that’s not funny…. I couldn’t argue such strong arguments… I was staying there, listening her, without saying a word… I was a bit afraid I guess. She’s gone now… she got down … I’m still on my way to Luxembourg. I hope I my room is ready… all I want is to take that shower and sleep

marți, 27 septembrie 2011

Europolis


No place is like home… at least this is what people say. Every now and then, I tend to agree with this saying. Although I’m not very happy when thinking about coming home, because of some not-so-pleasant memories about the people from the city, each time I see myself in the city, I can’t help feeling like under a spell. Time freezes and there is nothing except me and the old Danube. A

ll the past moments, my childhood, tales and legends heard from the older people, pirates, sailors, queens and kings that passed through Sulina, they all come together in an everlasting dream.

Sulina smells like history… and even though bombarded in WW2, its ancient greatness has not been completely destroyed. Yes, you need to know some of the past to see it, but still, even for those completely outside its life there are still some signs every here and there.

Just walking along the Danube makes me see the old wooden sailing boats coasting in Sulina, after a long trip.

I would have loved to live in that time…When Sulina was a “porto franco”: a free port for all Europe, for the whole world… When all great power had an embassy or a consulate in Sulina. When the city was split in two, just like Berlin was split… when the idea of a unite Europe came to life under the “Commission Européenne du Danube”. You can see some old buildings, telling their stories in just a second… that Greek style must have been the home of a rich merchant and that other one surely accommodated some Italian family. Everything is reign by the Palace…the impressive building on the Danube shore which guards every ship who is going in or out


I can only remember the lives of the sailors when I was a child… and their stories of how they travelled across the globe, seeing the far away ports of Madagascar of Taiwan. I recall the warm, nice smell of summer nights on the Danube shores, with some good music coming from one of the terraces from the port. And the frogs’ songs in the sunset… It’s almost unreal how every time I walk in this landscape I see myself having 10 years and looking for my parents who are dancing… And then, then it’s the night sky… full of stars, thanks to the few electrical lights in the area. It appears like all stars in the universe are there…Simply amazing… the port. Sailor’s lives must have been amazing back then… one trip, one odyssey full of adventures and danger. Some of the stories are told by the very tombs and monuments of those who are buried in Sulina’s cemetery.

I am leaving tomorrow morning… starting tomorrow, I will remember my age, and the time I live in… I still have one day

miercuri, 13 iulie 2011

Duke of Edinburgh's Best gaffes

Taken from HERE


1963

Speaking about the rate of British tax, he said: "All money nowadays seems to be produced with a natural homing instinct for the Treasury."

1965

On seeing an exhibition of "primitive" Ethiopian art, he muttered: "It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from her school art lessons."

1966
The Duke famously proclaimed: "British women can't cook".

1967

When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union: "I would like to go to Russia very much, although the bastards murdered half my family."

1969
The Duke said to Tom Jones after his Royal Variety Performance: "What do you gargle with, pebbles?".

He later added: "It is very difficult at all to see how it is possible to become immensely valuable by singing what I think are the most hideous songs."

On the Royal Family's finances: "We go into the red next year. I shall probably have to give up polo."

1976
On a tour of Canada: "We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves."

1981
During the recession he mused: “Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed."

1984
When accepting a figurine from a woman during a visit to Kenya he asked: "You are a woman aren't you?"

1986
He told a World Wildlife Fund meeting that "if it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it."

Prince Philip's opinion of Beijing, during a tour of China in 1986, was simply: "Ghastly."

1993

To a British tourist in Hungary in he quipped: "You can't have been here that long — you haven't got a pot belly."

To survivors of the Lockerbie bombing he told them: "People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still drying out Windsor Castle."

1994
"Aren't most of you descended from pirates?", he asked an islander in the Cayman Islands.

To a Caribbean rabbit breeder in Anguilla, he said: "Don't feed your rabbits pawpaw fruit — it acts as a contraceptive. Then again, it might not work on rabbits."

1995

He asked a Scottish driving instructor in Oban: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?"

1996

Following the Dunblane massacre, he questioned the need for a firearms ban: "If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?"

1998
The Duke asked a British student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea: "You managed not to get eaten then?"

1999
In Cardiff he told children from the British Deaf Association, who were standing by a Caribbean steel band: "If you're near that music it's no wonder you're deaf".

2000

To guests at the opening reception of a new £18million British Embassy in Berlin: "It's a vast waste of space."

At a Buckingham Palace drinks party, he told group of female Labour MPs: "Ah, so this is feminist corner then."

On being offered fine Italian wines by Giuliano Amato, the former Prime Minister, at a dinner in Rome, he is said to have uttered: "Get me a beer. I don't care what kind it is, just get me a beer!"

"People think there's a rigid class system here, but dukes have been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans."

2001
To Elton John: "Oh it's you that wons that ghastly car is it? We often see it when driving to Windsor Castle."

2002
While touring a factory near Edinburgh he said a fuse box was so crude it "looked as though it had been put in by an Indian".

2002
To Australian Aborigines during a visit to Australia with the Queen he asked: "Do you still throw spears at each other?"

To the Aircraft Research Association, he said: "If you travel as much as we do, you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort, provided you don't travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly."

2009
Said to black dance troupe Diversity at the Royal Variety Performance: "Are you all one family?"

To a young fashion designer at Buckingham Palace he told him: "You didn't design your beard too well, did you? You really must try better with your beard."

2010
On asking a female Sea Cadet what she did for a living, and being told that she worked in a nightclub (as a barmaid), the Duke asked “Is it a strip club?” Observing her surprise he dismissed the suggestion saying that it was “probably too cold for that anyway”.

2010
At a prize-giving ceremony for the Duke of Edinburgh Awards a girl told him that she'd been to Romania to help in an orphanage. He replied: "Oh yes, there's a lot of orphanges in Romania - they must breed them".

Others that are undated:

"YOU have mosquitos. I have the Press."
- To the matron of a hospital in the Caribbean.

"If it doesn't fart or eat hay then she isn't interested"
- speaking about his daughter, Princess Anne.

"Can you tell the difference between them?"
- The Duke's question after President Barack Obama said he met with the leaders of the UK, China and Russia.

"The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion."
- on London traffic.

"Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut."
- to a 13-year-old whilst visiting a space shuttle.

" I would love to go to Russia very much - although the bastards murdered half my family"
- when asked if he would like to visit the Societ Union.

“You look like you’re ready for bed!”
- To the President of Nigeria, dressed in traditional robes.

marți, 12 iulie 2011

De ce trece Puiu strada?!

INVATATOARE DE SCOALA:
Pentru ca a vrut sa ajunga de partea cealalta.

PROFESOR DE LICEU:
Chiar daca v-as explica, dragii mei dobitoci, tot n-ati intelege.

PLATON:
Pentru ca a mers in cautarea binelui si armoniei..

ARISTOTEL:
Este in natura puilor sa traverseze strazi..

KARL MARX:
Avea instabilitate istorica si dialectica.

MARTIN LUTHER KING:
I have a dream... Vad o lume in care toti puii vor fi liberi sa traverseze
strazile fara sa fie chestionate motivele lor.

MOSES:
Si Dumnezeu a coborit din ceruri si a poruncit puilor: Traversati
autostrazile! Si Puiu a traversat-o, si toti s-au inveselit.

BILL CLINTON:
Puiu n-a traversat autostrada. Repet, Puiu NU a traversat autostrada.

MACHIAVELLI:
Chestiunea este ca Puiu a traversat autostrada. Cui ii pasa de ce?
Faptul de a traversa autostrada justifica orice alt motiv.

FREUD:
Faptul ca te preocupa de ce Puiu a traversat autostrada scoate in
evidenta nesiguranta ta sexuala: Oedip Avícol.

BILL GATES:
Chiar acum am lansat in piata MSChicken 2000, care nu numai ca traverseaza
autostrazile, ci pune oua, arhiveaza documentele importante si rotunjeste
calculele Dv.

EINSTEIN:
Daca Puiu a traversat autostrada sau autostrada s-a deplasat pe desubtul
lui depinde de punctul de reper relativ.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING:
Iregularitatea partii autostrazii a Puiuui ii ameninta pozitia dominanta
in marketing. Puiu se lovea de sfidari importante pentru a crea si a
dezvolta competentele necesare pentru a crea si a infrunta competitivitaea
pietei. Andersen Consulting, intr-o relatie de parteneriat cu clientul, a
sprijinit Puiu prin reproiectarea strategiilor lui de distributie fizica
si a proceselor de implantare.
Folosind metoda de integrare avicola (MIA), Andersen a ajutat Puiu sa
foloseasca abilitatile lui proprii, metodologia, cunoasterea, capitalul
si experiente pentru a alinia mintea, procesele si tehnologia Puiuui in
sprijinul strategiei lui globale in cadrul lucrarilor Gestiune de
Programe. Andersen consulting a convocat o echipa interdisciplinara de
analisti de autostrazi si crescatori de pui
care, impreuna cu consultanti din Andersen care aveau remarcabile
abilitati
in industria transportului, au abordat timp de 2 zile o serie de sedinte
cu scopul de a varsa capitalul lor individual de cunostinte, atit explicit
cat si implicit, sa-i permita a ajunge la sinergii confluente in obtinerea
scopurilor emanate din predarea si designul de succes cu implementarea
unui cadru de valori prin continua dezvoltare a proceselor avicole.
Sedintele s-au desfasurat intr-un ambient care reproducea un parc, oferind
un impact strategic centrat in industrie si eleborand un mesaj CONSISTENT,
CLAR si UNIC, aliniat cu misiunea, vederea si valorile principale ale
puilor. Toate acesta au condus la crearea unei solutii integratoare a
afacerii globale.

BUDDHA:
A pune aceasta intrabare contrazice propria ta natura de pui.

PUBLICITATE DE PROFIL
Unde scrie "Puiu traverseaza autostrada" trebuia sa zica "Afacerile
necurate ale lui Puiu"

TITLU DE ZIAR NATIONAL
Criza economica constringe Puiu sa traverseze autostrada !

TITLU DE PAGINA 12
Puiu e gata

REVISTA FEMEII
Luminile amurgului se revarsau peste campia solitara. O lumina. Un destin.
O singuratate. Puiu a ridicat capul in cautarea unui raspuns la toate
intrebarile sale. La distanta, o modesta casuta de tabla. Nici o masina nu
traversa la ora acea autostrada nr. 2, care uneste Filea de Jos cu
Giurtelecu Hododului. Puiu a stiut atunci ca a sosit momentul.
Scuturindu-si amorteala penelor a mers hotarit, a pus o gheara pe asfalt,
pe urma alta, si alta, si alta (oare cite picioare are?). Mergea mindru.
Stia ca se apropia sa reuseasca imposibilul. Se gandea la succes. La
glorie.
La faima. De aceea n-a vazut acel camion fara lumini. De acea n-a auzit
zgomotul rablagit al motorului Roman.

ZIARUL ADEVARUL
Basescu si Puiu: obscurele coridoare al unei relatii impropri. Ce este
in spatele afacerii autostrazilor? Informatii exclusive: gainile si
puisorii
care primesc pe sub mana malai de la Stat. Cine sunt cei care profita de
oua?

ACASA MAGAZIN
Toata intimitatea puilor: "IMI LIPSESTE NUMAI DRAGOSTEA CA SA AM UN
SUCCES TOTAL"

JOSE SOFISMA
Toti puii traverseaza autostrazile. Puiu a traversat autostrada. Puiu
este in sine tot o autostrada.

CONSTANTINESCU:
Concetatenii, v-am prevenit daca nu oprim Puiu corupt acum o sa ajunga
pina la trotuarul de visavi si va reduce credibilitatea tarii la
parteneriatele cu Occident!

ILIESCU
Pentru ca e un !#$&^* de taranist iresponsabil!

BASESCU
Am dat dispozitie sa i se congeleze conturile pina nu plateste taxele de
drum.

MARKO BELA
E un drept al minoritatii avicole

SUPORT TEHNIC:
Eu de aici nu vad sa fi traversat strada. Resetati Puiu si daca tot il
vedeti ca traverseaza, formatati ouale sau trimiteti pe cineva din firma
la cursurile noastre ($322 la cursul zilei plus TVA).

Diferente Culturale

APOCRIF...


Inmormantare UE:

1. A crapat nea Gica.
2. Constatam asta.
3. Aducem si un medic / scoatem certificat prin care constatam asta si pe hartie
4. Sunam firma servicii funerare. comandam una bucata sicriu
5. Il ducem pe nea Gica la capela.
6. Anuntam pe cei apropiati ca a crapat nea Gica. Le zicem adresa capelei.
7. Ne adunam la capela, schimbam o vorba despre nea Gica.
8. In cursul aceleiasi zi, pompele funebre vin, il ridica pe nea Gica si il ingroapa / incinereaza / impaiaza / criogenizeaza / ce-o fi, in functie de preferinte.
9. Odata ingropat, Gica acolo ramane. Daca doresc, vizitatorii sunt bineveniti cu o floricica sau fara



Inmormantare romaneasca.
1. A crapat nea Gica
2. Constatam asta. Inainte de a suna medic sau de a scoate certificat sunam pe toti care il stiu sau nu pe Gica si anuntam asta
3. Revenim cu certificatul si ne facem loc prin marea de oameni care au venit sa il vada pe Gica mort si sa bea gratis o tuiculita. Intre timp Gica e tinut pe masa trei zile. Asa mort, da.
4. Aducem 3 femei sa il spele si 2 barbati sa il barbiereasca – ritual antecrestin, apropo -
5. Sunam popa. Ne rugam de popa sa vina de parca ar fi ceva nemaintalnit si nemaipomenit de nou in cariera lui si ne imprumutam de bani, ca daca nu e multumit ni-l lasa pe nea Gica pe masa si se cara. De parca nu tot din banii nostri ar fi platit, pastele ma-sii azi si maine de curva cu patrafir.
6. Pe langa oamenii care se foiesc prin casa, ne vor mai intampina pe drum inca pe atatia, ca sa nu mai vorbim de cei care vor veni direct la cimitir.
7. Pregatim echipamentul lui nea Gica, compus majoritatea din elemente tot antecrestine. Bani pe ochi, colac in mana, prescura pe piept – sau invers? – costumul sau cel mai bun care i-a ramas cam mic / mare si niste pantofi cu talpa de carton ca e pielea scumpa si si-asa e mort.
8. Convoiul: Unul cu un brad / pom / schela cu fructe agatate in el (tot pagan e si asta). Unul cu o cruce. Toti cu lumanari. Altii cu steaguri si prosoape.Inca minim 2 cu sfesnice. Nu uita coliva. Inca minim doi cu coroane. Inca vreo doi care sa duca “darurile” – obiecte de uz personal, bucati de material textil, batiste, mobila, o gaina vie uneori, care se trece peste groapa, etc
9. Fanfara. Tigani mai mult sau mai putin treji, care sa chiorlaie din instrumentele lor cantece de mare factura spirituala, cum ar fi “Pe langa Plopii fara Sot”, “Drumurile noastre Toate”, “Treceau batalioane romane Carpatii”, “Dunarea albastra ” (n-aveti idee cum suna asta la TROMBON)
10. Bocitoare. intre 3 si 5 babe bete si senile care sa il calareasca pe nea Gica si sa zbiere de parca li se scot ovarele pe cur. De multe ori nu au absolut nici o treaba cu raposatul si il vor boci pe un nume generic, d.ex. “Vasile”
11. Ii cinstim bine pe toti, de la popa la tigani, ca doar n-au venit sa il ingroape pe unul, au venit sa crape in ei si sa bea. Firesc. Pornim cortegiul.
12. La fiecare rascruce – intersectie – vom opri tambalaul (tigani, bocitoare, alamuri, zbierete, cersetori, bomboane, claxoane) si preotul va citi o extenie. Intre extenii, cine stie canta din toti plamanii “Sfinte Dumnezeule” in varianta funebra. Pentru ca exista si varianta vesela. Care nu se canta. Totusi, avand in vedere lipsa de voce a celor din cortegiu si betia generala, puteti sa cantati si Macarena ca nu se simte.
13. Ajungem la biserica. Ne dam foc cu lumanari, umplem tot de ceara, urlam TARE sa stie LUMEA ca noi SUFERIM pentru ca A MURIT GICA, BAAAAAAAA!!! In timpul slujbei, cream confuzie si razboi, aruncand cu bani si bomboane catre liota de cersetori. Punem si “vamile” pe jos, obicei – cum altfel? – antecrestin si ala. Potrivim vata in nas lui Gica, nu de alta dar de atata jale si lumanari si tamaie a inceput saa se cam lichefieze.
14. La cimitir. Se sapa groapa, se urla, se trece gaina, se desface pomul, se impart prosoape, restul de daruri (teoretic oamenilor saraci, practic tot intre neamuri, pe principiul nimic nu se pierde, doar se imprumuta), se bea, se stropeste cu vin mormantul, continua slujba.
15. Dupa cimitir. Se merge la casa lui Gica unde se bea, se bea, se bea, se mananca cel putin 3 feluri de mancare, se ia si la pachet ca doar e pomana, se vorbeste despre politica, vreme, rapita, Geoana, alegeri, inflatie, chirii, varice, butoaie, vinul de anul asta, hemoroizi, nunti, botezuri, Mutu, Steaua, femeia vecinului, orice numai Gica nu.
16. Dupa ce l-ai ingropat, reiei paranghelia la 3, 9, 40 de zile, 1 an, 2, 3, etc totul culminand cu 7 ani cand il dezgropi pe Gica sau ma rog ce a ramas din el, il stropesti cu vin si-l bagi la loc. Pe langa asta mai ai si vreo 400 de sarbatori de pomenirer a mortilor.

duminică, 10 iulie 2011

Marketing

You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing yourself slightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
- That's Spam.

duminică, 3 iulie 2011

Epic failure


What an interesting week-end I had... Saturday, I couldn't enjoy my day because I had to move from one damn dorm to another so half a day was lost between packing, unpacking, moving and cleaning. How in the name of logic did I manage to gather in time no less than 15 bloody big luggages not counting the microwave oven and my audio system? No clue... At one point of the day, I was tempted to make a big nice cosy camp fire in the middle of the road with all my garbage (clothes, books, etc) but knowing I'll have to buy all that back made me give up... I couldn't believe how all that pile of things wasn't getting any smaller even if I had already carried three loads... I was about to beat my neighbour, thinking that he was increasing my pile when I was not
around... But finally everything was done... Including my back... I couldn't move properly... Neither could any of my room mates... We were all standing on our beds, like three drunk hobos, praying to die painless... But, instead, as a reward, we all went out to eat a pizza on a terrace not far from us to spend, what we thought it would be... some nice, quit time, making jokes and having a beer. NOT FOR LONG... because someone tried it would make a good day a big ass on our table so, without any trace of respect or education, he came and bent over to talk to some whales from another table. The result?
Almost 20 minutes, all four of us endured an apocalyptic view, not being able to start
any conversation at all, because we were all ogling at that guy's ass... I wouldn't know why... It w
as a sort of hypnosis... Nothing interesting to see, but you can't take you eyes off either...
Today (e.g. Sunday), I wanted to cook Lasagna... May the bloody producers be cursed for not writing down that those crappy lasagna must me boiled before placing them in layers... If I were in America, I could have sew them... bloody bastards... a worse punishment that a law suit would be to make them eat that horrible gruel porridge without an obvious colour nor taste.