Neantul absolutului

Now this is art

2012-01-28T11:50:00.000+02:00

Test

2012-01-17T21:48:00.002+02:00

Admitere la Secţia de Poliţie

Chestionar de unică folosinţă

Timp limită: 3 săptămâni

1. Care este limba oficială în Franţa?

2. Susţineţi o dizertaţie despre resursele economice ale Babilonului antic SAU spuneţi care este

prenumele lui Ovidiu Ioaniţoaia (subiect la alegere)

3. Ce făcea William Shakespeare de obicei?

a) construia poduri

b) pilota elicoptere

c) SCRIA PIESE DE TEATRU !!!

4. Care este orientarea religioasa a PAPEI (alegeţi răspunsul corect)

a) Cultul mozaic

b) Catolicism

c) Budism

5. Transformaţi 0 metri în centimetri

6. Cum se numes locuitorii oraşului Buzău?

a) BUZOIENI

b) Constănţeni

c) Arădeni

7. Despărţiţi în silabe:

Ou.............................

Măr............................

Exhaustiv...................

8. Doi regi ai României au purtat numele de Carol. Cel de-al doilea se numea Carol al doilea.

Cum se numea primul?

9. Puteţi explica pe scurt Teoria Relativităţii a lui Einstein?

a) Da

b) Nu

10. La ce sunt folosite mingile de fotbal_

11. Explicaţi principiul lui „Le Chatelier” (facultativ) şi spuneţi cine l-a enunţat prima dată

(obligatoriu)

12. Cine l-a ucis pe Kennedy?

13. În ce zonă a României sunt mai mulţi canguri?

a) Banat

b) Moldova

c) Dobrogea

d) ÎN ROMÂNIA NU SUNT MAI MULŢI CANGURI

14. Dacă aveţi trei mere şi mâncaţi un sandviş câte mere vă rămân?

Semnătura.....................

Voyage, Voyage

2011-10-01T19:52:00.002+03:00

Again on the road. It’s almost unbelievable… I am very tired, my head hurts and I’m on the train on my way to Luxembourg. I have no idea when I’ll get there… It’s starting to not even matter anymore… I will just write my first day in Luxembourg now, without thinking over…

Of course I got up very early even though I was dead tired last night from all the things I had to do. But I guess this is just the way things go. I haven’t even drunk my coffee as I didn’t have any left anymore so I just took an instant one… not so good but better than nothing I guess. I rechecked the luggage trying to put anything in place or to see if anything needs changing. Claudia, Marius and Florin walked me to the bus. I didn’t care what place to take so I just when in the back of the care. There were still two seats. It would only occur to me in Bacau that the three ladies standing next to me were going to Brussels as well. And then, next to me… next to me sit a young lady who happened to be a PhD student as well in Geography… a bigger coincidence has been her PhD thesis who happens to be in the Public Health of Neamt County… Nice… Of course we talked and shared some opinions about everything. She went to Brussels as well so of course we shared a taxi with her and another man, a young nurse who is working somewhere in the Flamand part of Belgium. While waiting in the airport we decided to order a pizza from downtown since there were no restaurants next to us. What a surprise for everyone when they saw us eating pizza in the airport courtyard… there was a Swiss football team waiting for their plane as well. They asked us the number so they could order too. I wanted to make a good deed and call for them to perhaps avoid burning in hell, but, exactly when I arrived in Brussels the girl from the pizza restaurant called me to tell me that no one waited for them there… probably their plane left earlier… so I will end up in hell anyway since that girl must have cursed me with all existing and new curses. And yes, I had a problem at the check in gate since my laptop back was somehow too big and the guy from the company didn’t want to let me in…. he suggested to put some more baggage in the cargo luggage but, luckily for me, the mister we were with, took some of my stuff into his bag, so everything end up ok … except for the terrible head ache I’ve been having ever since… I really hope for a hot shower and a long sleep tonight, so I can get back to my feet.. from the airport, the nurse left us there as me and the girl hang around to understand where to go, as the airport is huge. Well, at the train station in the basement of the airport I found out that I was having a train for Brussels north in 5 minutes where I needed to change to go to Luxembourg. Well, I got on the train, and I can honestly say I haven’t seen a train as ugly and bad smelling like that one back home for a while…. So perhaps we’re not that behind after all. I met a nice lady on the train how told where I should descend (the first station, 10 minutes of riding the train)… so again, I took down my 2 pieces of luggage of 35 kg summed up and my laptop bag and found myself all alone on the platform, when suddenly, like a miracle sent from up above, I saw on one of the prompters a train for Luxembourg. My only question was…. Was that a train for Luxembourg the station in Belgium (yes, there is one) or Luxembourg my city and my station? I asked twice, as I am paranoid, and when two men assured me I was about to get on the right train, I did move my stuff on. I was so happy when I saw that on 2 benches with a table (4 places) there was only one lady sit… I went straight to her and asked if the sits were taken. No, came the quick answer… even quicker came the answer to why there was no one standing next to her…. When asking if the train is good (yes, the third, time… paranoia is treatable) of course she said no…the funny part is that I was so tired and pissed off, that I didn’t bother… I just said ok and started swearing mentally, faster than the train was moving… well, the old crow tried to comfort me, saying that at least I will travel around Brussels (she claimed I were on a train in the city) and I were to see a lot of nice things and lots of trees and gardens… hardly did she finish to tell me that and we entered a bloody tunnel, for like 10 minutes, while I was asking was the murder penalty in Belgium. I understood how I was next to as soon as she wanted to help me and ask the train conductor… a nice boy walked then to me, telling me that he heard our conversation and comforting me that I’m on the good train… Have you ever seen an angel? I surely know how I would react now… she came back very surprise, laughing, telling me that I am on the good train … she just went on laughing every 30 seconds like a raccoon. I wouldn’t know what the best moment was... was it when she opened her mouth and her tooth, was shinning happy, all alone in there, or was is when she raised her arm and I had a preview of the black forest? How many endangered species were hiding there, anyway?! Yes, yes…. After a while she got hungry… why wouldn’t she?! She took out from her bag, which resembled more of morgue black bag a piece of bread and a jar of Nutella. Freaking Nutella … and she started to gently pass the bread through the jar, soaking it in the melted chocolate (25 degrees in Brussels, even more on the train)… she was bother to eat as loudly as possible and she hasn’t been bothered not even the train conductor who came to check the tickets. She politely invite to have some but I refused, telling her I had some peanut butter on the other train and some jelly on the plane… she told peanut butter is not good because you can die from it as it works like a glue and it gets stuck to esophagus. SHE WAS SERIOUS!!! And she told Brussels is funny but it’s not funny… it’s funny because it’s nice but it’s not funny because it has a train station that shares the same name with the country… and it’s not funny because the elevators don’t work in Brussels… and was stating she’s a lady and therefore that’s not funny…. I couldn’t argue such strong arguments… I was staying there, listening her, without saying a word… I was a bit afraid I guess. She’s gone now… she got down … I’m still on my way to Luxembourg. I hope I my room is ready… all I want is to take that shower and sleep

Europolis

2011-09-27T11:57:00.005+03:00

No place is like home… at least this is what people say. Every now and then, I tend to agree with this saying. Although I’m not very happy when thinking about coming home, because of some not-so-pleasant memories about the people from the city, each time I see myself in the city, I can’t help feeling like under a spell. Time freezes and there is nothing except me and the old Danube. A

ll the past moments, my childhood, tales and legends heard from the older people, pirates, sailors, queens and kings that passed through Sulina, they all come together in an everlasting dream.

Sulina smells like history… and even though bombarded in WW2, its ancient greatness has not been completely destroyed. Yes, you need to know some of the past to see it, but still, even for those completely outside its life there are still some signs every here and there.

Just walking along the Danube makes me see the old wooden sailing boats coasting in Sulina, after a long trip.

I would have loved to live in that time…When Sulina was a “porto franco”: a free port for all Europe, for the whole world… When all great power had an embassy or a consulate in Sulina. When the city was split in two, just like Berlin was split… when the idea of a unite Europe came to life under the “Commission Européenne du Danube”. You can see some old buildings, telling their stories in just a second… that Greek style must have been the home of a rich merchant and that other one surely accommodated some Italian family. Everything is reign by the Palace…the impressive building on the Danube shore which guards every ship who is going in or out

I can only remember the lives of the sailors when I was a child… and their stories of how they travelled across the globe, seeing the far away ports of Madagascar of Taiwan. I recall the warm, nice smell of summer nights on the Danube shores, with some good music coming from one of the terraces from the port. And the frogs’ songs in the sunset… It’s almost unreal how every time I walk in this landscape I see myself having 10 years and looking for my parents who are dancing… And then, then it’s the night sky… full of stars, thanks to the few electrical lights in the area. It appears like all stars in the universe are there…Simply amazing… the port. Sailor’s lives must have been amazing back then… one trip, one odyssey full of adventures and danger. Some of the stories are told by the very tombs and monuments of those who are buried in Sulina’s cemetery.

I am leaving tomorrow morning… starting tomorrow, I will remember my age, and the time I live in… I still have one day

Duke of Edinburgh's Best gaffes

2011-07-13T14:49:00.000+03:00

Taken from HERE

1963

Speaking about the rate of British tax, he said: "All money nowadays seems to be produced with a natural homing instinct for the Treasury."

1965

On seeing an exhibition of "primitive" Ethiopian art, he muttered: "It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from her school art lessons."

1966
The Duke famously proclaimed: "British women can't cook".

1967

When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union: "I would like to go to Russia very much, although the bastards murdered half my family."

1969
The Duke said to Tom Jones after his Royal Variety Performance: "What do you gargle with, pebbles?".

He later added: "It is very difficult at all to see how it is possible to become immensely valuable by singing what I think are the most hideous songs."

On the Royal Family's finances: "We go into the red next year. I shall probably have to give up polo."

1976
On a tour of Canada: "We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves."

1981
During the recession he mused: “Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed."

1984
When accepting a figurine from a woman during a visit to Kenya he asked: "You are a woman aren't you?"

1986
He told a World Wildlife Fund meeting that "if it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it."

Prince Philip's opinion of Beijing, during a tour of China in 1986, was simply: "Ghastly."

1993

To a British tourist in Hungary in he quipped: "You can't have been here that long — you haven't got a pot belly."

To survivors of the Lockerbie bombing he told them: "People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still drying out Windsor Castle."

1994
"Aren't most of you descended from pirates?", he asked an islander in the Cayman Islands.

To a Caribbean rabbit breeder in Anguilla, he said: "Don't feed your rabbits pawpaw fruit — it acts as a contraceptive. Then again, it might not work on rabbits."

1995

He asked a Scottish driving instructor in Oban: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?"

1996

Following the Dunblane massacre, he questioned the need for a firearms ban: "If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?"

1998
The Duke asked a British student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea: "You managed not to get eaten then?"

1999
In Cardiff he told children from the British Deaf Association, who were standing by a Caribbean steel band: "If you're near that music it's no wonder you're deaf".

2000

To guests at the opening reception of a new £18million British Embassy in Berlin: "It's a vast waste of space."

At a Buckingham Palace drinks party, he told group of female Labour MPs: "Ah, so this is feminist corner then."

On being offered fine Italian wines by Giuliano Amato, the former Prime Minister, at a dinner in Rome, he is said to have uttered: "Get me a beer. I don't care what kind it is, just get me a beer!"

"People think there's a rigid class system here, but dukes have been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans."

2001
To Elton John: "Oh it's you that wons that ghastly car is it? We often see it when driving to Windsor Castle."

2002
While touring a factory near Edinburgh he said a fuse box was so crude it "looked as though it had been put in by an Indian".

2002
To Australian Aborigines during a visit to Australia with the Queen he asked: "Do you still throw spears at each other?"

To the Aircraft Research Association, he said: "If you travel as much as we do, you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort, provided you don't travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly."

2009
Said to black dance troupe Diversity at the Royal Variety Performance: "Are you all one family?"

To a young fashion designer at Buckingham Palace he told him: "You didn't design your beard too well, did you? You really must try better with your beard."

2010
On asking a female Sea Cadet what she did for a living, and being told that she worked in a nightclub (as a barmaid), the Duke asked “Is it a strip club?” Observing her surprise he dismissed the suggestion saying that it was “probably too cold for that anyway”.

2010
At a prize-giving ceremony for the Duke of Edinburgh Awards a girl told him that she'd been to Romania to help in an orphanage. He replied: "Oh yes, there's a lot of orphanges in Romania - they must breed them".

Others that are undated:

"YOU have mosquitos. I have the Press."
- To the matron of a hospital in the Caribbean.

"If it doesn't fart or eat hay then she isn't interested"
- speaking about his daughter, Princess Anne.

"Can you tell the difference between them?"
- The Duke's question after President Barack Obama said he met with the leaders of the UK, China and Russia.

"The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion."
- on London traffic.

"Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut."
- to a 13-year-old whilst visiting a space shuttle.

" I would love to go to Russia very much - although the bastards murdered half my family"
- when asked if he would like to visit the Societ Union.

“You look like you’re ready for bed!”
- To the President of Nigeria, dressed in traditional robes.

De ce trece Puiu strada?!

2011-07-12T12:09:00.002+03:00

INVATATOARE DE SCOALA:
Pentru ca a vrut sa ajunga de partea cealalta.

PROFESOR DE LICEU:
Chiar daca v-as explica, dragii mei dobitoci, tot n-ati intelege.

PLATON:
Pentru ca a mers in cautarea binelui si armoniei..

ARISTOTEL:
Este in natura puilor sa traverseze strazi..

KARL MARX:
Avea instabilitate istorica si dialectica.

MARTIN LUTHER KING:
I have a dream... Vad o lume in care toti puii vor fi liberi sa traverseze
strazile fara sa fie chestionate motivele lor.

MOSES:
Si Dumnezeu a coborit din ceruri si a poruncit puilor: Traversati
autostrazile! Si Puiu a traversat-o, si toti s-au inveselit.

BILL CLINTON:
Puiu n-a traversat autostrada. Repet, Puiu NU a traversat autostrada.

MACHIAVELLI:
Chestiunea este ca Puiu a traversat autostrada. Cui ii pasa de ce?
Faptul de a traversa autostrada justifica orice alt motiv.

FREUD:
Faptul ca te preocupa de ce Puiu a traversat autostrada scoate in
evidenta nesiguranta ta sexuala: Oedip Avícol.

BILL GATES:
Chiar acum am lansat in piata MSChicken 2000, care nu numai ca traverseaza
autostrazile, ci pune oua, arhiveaza documentele importante si rotunjeste
calculele Dv.

EINSTEIN:
Daca Puiu a traversat autostrada sau autostrada s-a deplasat pe desubtul
lui depinde de punctul de reper relativ.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING:
Iregularitatea partii autostrazii a Puiuui ii ameninta pozitia dominanta
in marketing. Puiu se lovea de sfidari importante pentru a crea si a
dezvolta competentele necesare pentru a crea si a infrunta competitivitaea
pietei. Andersen Consulting, intr-o relatie de parteneriat cu clientul, a
sprijinit Puiu prin reproiectarea strategiilor lui de distributie fizica
si a proceselor de implantare.
Folosind metoda de integrare avicola (MIA), Andersen a ajutat Puiu sa
foloseasca abilitatile lui proprii, metodologia, cunoasterea, capitalul
si experiente pentru a alinia mintea, procesele si tehnologia Puiuui in
sprijinul strategiei lui globale in cadrul lucrarilor Gestiune de
Programe. Andersen consulting a convocat o echipa interdisciplinara de
analisti de autostrazi si crescatori de pui
care, impreuna cu consultanti din Andersen care aveau remarcabile
abilitati
in industria transportului, au abordat timp de 2 zile o serie de sedinte
cu scopul de a varsa capitalul lor individual de cunostinte, atit explicit
cat si implicit, sa-i permita a ajunge la sinergii confluente in obtinerea
scopurilor emanate din predarea si designul de succes cu implementarea
unui cadru de valori prin continua dezvoltare a proceselor avicole.
Sedintele s-au desfasurat intr-un ambient care reproducea un parc, oferind
un impact strategic centrat in industrie si eleborand un mesaj CONSISTENT,
CLAR si UNIC, aliniat cu misiunea, vederea si valorile principale ale
puilor. Toate acesta au condus la crearea unei solutii integratoare a
afacerii globale.

BUDDHA:
A pune aceasta intrabare contrazice propria ta natura de pui.

PUBLICITATE DE PROFIL
Unde scrie "Puiu traverseaza autostrada" trebuia sa zica "Afacerile
necurate ale lui Puiu"

TITLU DE ZIAR NATIONAL
Criza economica constringe Puiu sa traverseze autostrada !

TITLU DE PAGINA 12
Puiu e gata

REVISTA FEMEII
Luminile amurgului se revarsau peste campia solitara. O lumina. Un destin.
O singuratate. Puiu a ridicat capul in cautarea unui raspuns la toate
intrebarile sale. La distanta, o modesta casuta de tabla. Nici o masina nu
traversa la ora acea autostrada nr. 2, care uneste Filea de Jos cu
Giurtelecu Hododului. Puiu a stiut atunci ca a sosit momentul.
Scuturindu-si amorteala penelor a mers hotarit, a pus o gheara pe asfalt,
pe urma alta, si alta, si alta (oare cite picioare are?). Mergea mindru.
Stia ca se apropia sa reuseasca imposibilul. Se gandea la succes. La
glorie.
La faima. De aceea n-a vazut acel camion fara lumini. De acea n-a auzit
zgomotul rablagit al motorului Roman.

ZIARUL ADEVARUL
Basescu si Puiu: obscurele coridoare al unei relatii impropri. Ce este
in spatele afacerii autostrazilor? Informatii exclusive: gainile si
puisorii
care primesc pe sub mana malai de la Stat. Cine sunt cei care profita de
oua?

ACASA MAGAZIN
Toata intimitatea puilor: "IMI LIPSESTE NUMAI DRAGOSTEA CA SA AM UN
SUCCES TOTAL"

JOSE SOFISMA
Toti puii traverseaza autostrazile. Puiu a traversat autostrada. Puiu
este in sine tot o autostrada.

CONSTANTINESCU:
Concetatenii, v-am prevenit daca nu oprim Puiu corupt acum o sa ajunga
pina la trotuarul de visavi si va reduce credibilitatea tarii la
parteneriatele cu Occident!

ILIESCU
Pentru ca e un !#$&^* de taranist iresponsabil!

BASESCU
Am dat dispozitie sa i se congeleze conturile pina nu plateste taxele de
drum.

MARKO BELA
E un drept al minoritatii avicole

SUPORT TEHNIC:
Eu de aici nu vad sa fi traversat strada. Resetati Puiu si daca tot il
vedeti ca traverseaza, formatati ouale sau trimiteti pe cineva din firma
la cursurile noastre ($322 la cursul zilei plus TVA).

Diferente Culturale

2011-07-12T09:42:00.000+03:00

APOCRIF...

Inmormantare UE:

1. A crapat nea Gica.
2. Constatam asta.
3. Aducem si un medic / scoatem certificat prin care constatam asta si pe hartie
4. Sunam firma servicii funerare. comandam una bucata sicriu
5. Il ducem pe nea Gica la capela.
6. Anuntam pe cei apropiati ca a crapat nea Gica. Le zicem adresa capelei.
7. Ne adunam la capela, schimbam o vorba despre nea Gica.
8. In cursul aceleiasi zi, pompele funebre vin, il ridica pe nea Gica si il ingroapa / incinereaza / impaiaza / criogenizeaza / ce-o fi, in functie de preferinte.
9. Odata ingropat, Gica acolo ramane. Daca doresc, vizitatorii sunt bineveniti cu o floricica sau fara

Inmormantare romaneasca.

1. A crapat nea Gica
2. Constatam asta. Inainte de a suna medic sau de a scoate certificat sunam pe toti care il stiu sau nu pe Gica si anuntam asta
3. Revenim cu certificatul si ne facem loc prin marea de oameni care au venit sa il vada pe Gica mort si sa bea gratis o tuiculita. Intre timp Gica e tinut pe masa trei zile. Asa mort, da.
4. Aducem 3 femei sa il spele si 2 barbati sa il barbiereasca – ritual antecrestin, apropo -
5. Sunam popa. Ne rugam de popa sa vina de parca ar fi ceva nemaintalnit si nemaipomenit de nou in cariera lui si ne imprumutam de bani, ca daca nu e multumit ni-l lasa pe nea Gica pe masa si se cara. De parca nu tot din banii nostri ar fi platit, pastele ma-sii azi si maine de curva cu patrafir.
6. Pe langa oamenii care se foiesc prin casa, ne vor mai intampina pe drum inca pe atatia, ca sa nu mai vorbim de cei care vor veni direct la cimitir.
7. Pregatim echipamentul lui nea Gica, compus majoritatea din elemente tot antecrestine. Bani pe ochi, colac in mana, prescura pe piept – sau invers? – costumul sau cel mai bun care i-a ramas cam mic / mare si niste pantofi cu talpa de carton ca e pielea scumpa si si-asa e mort.
8. Convoiul: Unul cu un brad / pom / schela cu fructe agatate in el (tot pagan e si asta). Unul cu o cruce. Toti cu lumanari. Altii cu steaguri si prosoape.Inca minim 2 cu sfesnice. Nu uita coliva. Inca minim doi cu coroane. Inca vreo doi care sa duca “darurile” – obiecte de uz personal, bucati de material textil, batiste, mobila, o gaina vie uneori, care se trece peste groapa, etc
9. Fanfara. Tigani mai mult sau mai putin treji, care sa chiorlaie din instrumentele lor cantece de mare factura spirituala, cum ar fi “Pe langa Plopii fara Sot”, “Drumurile noastre Toate”, “Treceau batalioane romane Carpatii”, “Dunarea albastra ” (n-aveti idee cum suna asta la TROMBON)
10. Bocitoare. intre 3 si 5 babe bete si senile care sa il calareasca pe nea Gica si sa zbiere de parca li se scot ovarele pe cur. De multe ori nu au absolut nici o treaba cu raposatul si il vor boci pe un nume generic, d.ex. “Vasile”
11. Ii cinstim bine pe toti, de la popa la tigani, ca doar n-au venit sa il ingroape pe unul, au venit sa crape in ei si sa bea. Firesc. Pornim cortegiul.
12. La fiecare rascruce – intersectie – vom opri tambalaul (tigani, bocitoare, alamuri, zbierete, cersetori, bomboane, claxoane) si preotul va citi o extenie. Intre extenii, cine stie canta din toti plamanii “Sfinte Dumnezeule” in varianta funebra. Pentru ca exista si varianta vesela. Care nu se canta. Totusi, avand in vedere lipsa de voce a celor din cortegiu si betia generala, puteti sa cantati si Macarena ca nu se simte.
13. Ajungem la biserica. Ne dam foc cu lumanari, umplem tot de ceara, urlam TARE sa stie LUMEA ca noi SUFERIM pentru ca A MURIT GICA, BAAAAAAAA!!! In timpul slujbei, cream confuzie si razboi, aruncand cu bani si bomboane catre liota de cersetori. Punem si “vamile” pe jos, obicei – cum altfel? – antecrestin si ala. Potrivim vata in nas lui Gica, nu de alta dar de atata jale si lumanari si tamaie a inceput saa se cam lichefieze.
14. La cimitir. Se sapa groapa, se urla, se trece gaina, se desface pomul, se impart prosoape, restul de daruri (teoretic oamenilor saraci, practic tot intre neamuri, pe principiul nimic nu se pierde, doar se imprumuta), se bea, se stropeste cu vin mormantul, continua slujba.
15. Dupa cimitir. Se merge la casa lui Gica unde se bea, se bea, se bea, se mananca cel putin 3 feluri de mancare, se ia si la pachet ca doar e pomana, se vorbeste despre politica, vreme, rapita, Geoana, alegeri, inflatie, chirii, varice, butoaie, vinul de anul asta, hemoroizi, nunti, botezuri, Mutu, Steaua, femeia vecinului, orice numai Gica nu.
16. Dupa ce l-ai ingropat, reiei paranghelia la 3, 9, 40 de zile, 1 an, 2, 3, etc totul culminand cu 7 ani cand il dezgropi pe Gica sau ma rog ce a ramas din el, il stropesti cu vin si-l bagi la loc. Pe langa asta mai ai si vreo 400 de sarbatori de pomenirer a mortilor.

Marketing

2011-07-10T09:07:00.002+03:00

You see a handsome guy at a party.

You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."

- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party.

You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing yourself slightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.

- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

- That's Spam.

Epic failure

2011-07-03T23:22:00.006+03:00

What an interesting week-end I had... Saturday, I couldn't enjoy my day because I had to move from one damn dorm to another so half a day was lost between packing, unpacking, moving and cleaning. How in the name of logic did I manage to gather in time no less than 15 bloody big luggages not counting the microwave oven and my audio system? No clue... At one point of the day, I was tempted to make a big nice cosy camp fire in the middle of the road with all my garbage (clothes, books, etc) but knowing I'll have to buy all that back made me give up... I couldn't believe how all that pile of things wasn't getting any smaller even if I had already carried three loads... I was about to beat my neighbour, thinking that he was increasing my pile when I was not

around... But finally everything was done... Including my back... I couldn't move properly... Neither could any of my room mates... We were all standing on our beds, like three drunk hobos, praying to die painless... But, instead, as a reward, we all went out to eat a pizza on a terrace not far from us to spend, what we thought it would be... some nice, quit time, making jokes and having a beer. NOT FOR LONG... because someone tried it would make a good day a big ass on our table so, without any trace of respect or education, he came and bent over to talk to some whales from another table. The result?

Almost 20 minutes, all four of us endured an apocalyptic view, not being able to start

any conversation at all, because we were all ogling at that guy's ass... I wouldn't know why... It w

as a sort of hypnosis... Nothing interesting to see, but you can't take you eyes off either...

Today (e.g. Sunday), I wanted to cook Lasagna... May the bloody producers be cursed for not writing down that those crappy lasagna must me boiled before placing them in layers... If I were in America, I could have sew them... bloody bastards... a worse punishment that a law suit would be to make them eat that horrible gruel porridge without an obvious colour nor taste.

Two Cows Theory

2011-06-29T16:13:00.001+03:00

Absolute Monarchy: The king has two cows. He and his cows live off the fat of the land while the poor peasants in the land starve. Then the peasants revolt. At the end he gets hanged, and the cows take power over the peasants. then the cows milk the peasants and put them in slaughter houses to later consume.

Abstract Expressionism: You have two cows, or they can be goats or battleships or galaxies or whatever you personally feel you can see when you stare at them long enough.

Absurdism: You have two cows. Firstly, what the crap is a cow, and why would you have one? It makes no sense whatsoever.

Altruism: You have two cows. You give one to your neighbor. You send the other cow to Somalia.

American Taxes Part I: You have two cows. The government has borrowed thousands upon thousands of cows from other countries and slaughtered them all, and confiscates one of yours. Rather than logically returning a cow to another country, they send it off to another country so that the terrorist cells there can use it to trade for guns.

American Taxes Part II: You have one cow. The government finds out that terrorists they recently donated a cow to have traded it in for weapons, and confiscate your remaining cow to provide milk to soldiers for a ten-year war effort to eliminate the terrorist threat. You, having no cows, have done your patriotic duty, and are now in poverty.

Anarchism: You have two cows. Your neighbour has one cow, and asks you to share your spare cow's milk with them. You voluntarily agree, and with the enthusiastic help of your scientist neighbour you make the cow self-replicate. Now your neighbour also has two cows, and everyone cheers each other on for doing so well without a government.

Anarcho-capitalism: You have two cows. It is your natural right to have these cows. However, as the state is a threat to your right of self-regulation, the courts, military, and police force ought to be replaced by Private Defense Agencies. If one of your cows is stolen, and you can afford a PDA, you may get it back, assuming the thief has not purchased the services of a competing PDA.

Anarcho-communism: The cows are owned by everyone in general and nobody in particular. They are milked by anyone who wishes to do so. Their teats hurt.

Arachno-communism: You have two cows. Giant spiders tell you what to do with them.

Anarcho-individualism: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to have them and leave to form their own society.

Anarcho-primitivism: As the development of agriculture has resulted in all existing conflict, class distinctions, war, violence, oppression of minority groups, and general misery, society ought to return to its natural state. You should graze alongside your cows, rather than submit them to the oppressions of technology and all its false sciences.

Anarcho-syndicalism: You have two cows. They take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major—

Andyutopia: You have two cows. You're so leet, that even your cows can write java.

Anthropomorphism: You have two cows. You feel intensely that you are also a cow, and are shunned by your neighbors.

Apocalypticism: You have two cows. It's a sign that the end is nigh!

Arkansas: You have two cows. The one on the left is kind of cute.

Australia: You have two cows but you forgot how big your paddock is and where they are, so you haven't seen them for 2 years.

Australia 2: You and your wife have two cows between you. The tax office insists that both cows belong to just one partner and takes one cow as taxation from this wealthy individual. The welfare department, ignoring the loss of one cow to taxation, declares both cows to be joint assets and insists the dependent spouse hand one cow over since with two cows between them, the couple are undeserving of government support and should share the remaining cow. Both departments insist the couple still have one cow left over since each department only took one of the two cows the couple own. The government boasts about its strong support for married couples, pointing to the rising numbers of couples owning two cows as evidence of that support. The anti-family lobby complain that since the couple were sharing two cows and each partner only lost one cow, they still have one cow each. They argue this two-cow outcome shows an unfair bias in favour of married couples.

Austria: You have two cows but give them away and settle for skiing instead because everybody thinks they're kangaroos.

Austria 2: You have two cows, so you look one in a basement for twenty years and rape the shit out of it.

Autocracy: You had two cows, by the grace of the beloved father dictator.

Aristocracy: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

Aztec Monarchy: We captured your two cows in battle. We will now sacrifice them to Quetzalcoatl so that the sun continues to rise.

Spanish Conquistadors: I refuse to allow you to sacrifice your two cows; for such an act is immoral and against God! Also, All your Gold Are Belong to Us.

Soviet Russia: Two cows have you.

Soviet Russia 2: You have two cows. They milk you.

Soviet Russia 3: In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!!!

Baten Kaitos: You have two Pows. They were caught with magic cards.

Belgium: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

Brazil: You have two cows. The government denies you education and makes sure you're not smart enough to milk them, but agrees to hire equally incompetent people to milk them for you. You get 1% of the milk for a couple of months. You see characters from a TV soap opera with four cows. A nine year old boy shoots you in the head and gets your cows, exchanging them for drugs. A breath-taking awesome action movie is made based on the incident and runs for best Foreign Language film at the Academy Awards. One of the cows is found later with a congressman, legally though.

British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

British Democracy 2: You have two cows. One of your cows has a small foot infection. The government orders you to burn both cows. All the cows in the surrounding area are also burned, roads and footpaths are closed and the media throws the country into a panic. You decide to protest about not being allowed to hunt foxes on public roadways.

British Democracy 3: You have two cows. They get sick and you blame badgers. The government makes you kill them and pays you compensation. You are annoyed as you wanted to kill them for meat and aren't allowed to kill the badgers.

British Empire: You have two cows which occupy as much as a quarter of the field. You give them away because you are ashamed that you ever had cows.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other dry and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Bureaucracy 2: You have two cows, and are required to proclaim ownership of purchase to the IRS, the FDA, the IRC (International Requests Channels), the AAA (the old one), the AGB (the Association of Good Business), and the FHA (Form Handling Agency). The IRS has two forms that must be completed and signed under a notary within 24 hours, but no one can work on Sunday under the DBLA. To handle this, the IRS has provided a secondary form that can be attached to the AAA form that can be provided within 48 hours that will be processed via the IRS to the IRC if the IRC form is completed first. In order to request the IRC form a form must be processed to the FHA within 72 hours which will be returned within 24 hours but it's really more like two weeks. If you have enough money to bribe the forms through, then official forms must be handled to the IRC and FHA in the same procedure as for the IRS. If a dual IRS-AAA form is processed, a separate AAA form must be handled within 61.8 hours with a surchage of $47.56 but only through the IRC with permission from the FHA, permission from the FHA can be provided provided proof that forms for the FDA have been properly secured. The money paid on the surchage is tax-deductible provided that a form is processed to the IRS via the IRC with knowledge of service from the FHA within 24 hours, knowledge of service from the FHA can only be provided if proof of forms for the completion of forms for the AAA is handled. Proof for forms can be requested from the FHA with a $50 surcharge on one form, $55 on proof for two forms, $60 for three forms, etc.. Forms for the FDA (which must be filed within a month) can only be secured if the purchase meets guidelines from the AGB verifiable through forms collected via the AAA, the verification forms from the AAA can be received through the FHA again via the IRC if a request is placed within two weeks, if the verification form is processed, reviewed, and deemed satisfactory by the AGB, a satisfactory completion form will be mailed within one month to be handled by the FHA via the IRC to the FDA to allow forms for the AAA and thus IRS to be processed. Any breaches of protocol with cause the purchaser to be fined $100.

Of course, the easier and cheaper way (considering it's impossible to make the paperwork through on time, the hours don't add up) is to bribe an official at the IRS, IRC, FHA, AAA, AGB, and FDA $100 each and they'll take care of the rest.

Bureaucratic Socialism

You had two cows. The government takes them from you. Your cows now are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Bushism

A couple dozen Al-Cowda terrorists attack domestic locations while you're reading "My Pet Goat." You immediately get your Attorney General working on figuring out how to suspend "Habeas Cowpus." Later, you hear that a camel-populated cowntry (unrelated to the attacks) might have weapons of mass digestion. You have two cows with which you invade that country. Hey, "You go to war with the cows you have, not the cows you *wish* you had." Your cows are the best in the world at what they were trained to do and immediately graze away the existing pasture-al structure of that country. Only one of your cows speaks camel-ise and you just found out that he's gay - you discharge him from service with great haste. Your popularity moooves lower and lower as the camels reject your cud-chewing philosophies. Caught in a lose/lose situation you offer the strategy of "Staying the Cows."

Bill Clintonism: You have two cows. The President's wife tries to take one, she fails and Democrats lose Congress. You then get to keep your cows, sell the milk, keep the profits, and "triangulate" yourself to appear as if you are sharing with others. The people with no cows get mad, but you get fellatioed by one of the cows, the Republicans try to impeach you, and the people with no cows get mad at them!

Byzantine Autocracy: You have two cows and two icons. The cows are worthless, but the Theotokos has blessed one of the Icons to give you pure and sweet milk. Because of this, many pilgrims come to your monastery, and you gain additional support and farmland from the State. The Emperor visits, and then gives you even more money to build a bigger monastery at the site.

Byzantine Autocracy under Leo IV: You have two cows and no icons. If you have any icons, you will be tortured and executed by the state, and your cows will be confiscated and given to soldiers of the Anatolikon theme. However, you can keep your two cows as long as you don't depict them in ANY way, shape, or form.

California: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only 5 speak English. Most are illegals. Their leader once starred in a cow bodybuilding movie and has a lovechild.

Canada: You have 2 cows. The government takes the milk and puts it in a bag. You get free health care.

Canada 2: You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.

Canada 3: You have two cows. The French cow complains it is being oppressed by the English cow, and threatens to leave the farm. To keep it in the farm, you have to feed it the English cow's milk.

Catullus: You have 2 cows. They gave you 3300 kisses!

Cayman Islands: You have two cows. You don't need to pay any taxes about them.

Chicago: You have 3 cows, and no place to keep them. You give one cow to your Alderman, who arranges a permit to keep them in the city park. The 2 cows are so happy they cast 4 votes for the Alderman and he is reelected for life. Everyone is happy, except for the Feds, who launch a sweeping anti-corruption compaign. Your 2 cows are now indicted, but the case is dropped for lack of evidence.

Chicago 2: You have 2 cows. One of them accidentally kicks over a lantern and burns down half of the city.

Chicago 3: You have seven cows who play various musical instruments. They sing "If You Leave Me Now".

Communism - Cambodian: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. Your family complains about your unfair death on LiveJournal, which is immediately blocked by the government.

Communism - Cambodian 2: You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you for fun.

Communism - modern Chinese: You have no cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's and issues a proclamation saying that even though it is capitalism it is still socialist. You would be confused, but you learned doublethink in the public schools so there's no problem. Everyone is happy and the Chinese government is both happy and wealthy.

Communism - Chinese: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. You arrest his family, too, just to be safe.

Communism - Chinese 2: You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk, but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).

Communism - Chinese 3: You have two cows. The government's corporate partners force you at gunpoint to employ small children to milk them under dangerous working conditions for little pay. The milk (after being adulterated with melamine) is sold at Wal-Mart in capitalist countries for rock-bottom prices.

Communism - Chinese 4: You have two cows - after stealing this business model from someone else.

Communism - Chinese - Mao: You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city, and then sells them to the capitalist west. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations, despite very limited success. You and your neighbors starve.

Communism - Chinese - Mao 2: You have two bulls. Several people are killed while attempting to milk them.

Communism - Castro: Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Benevolent Father of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen cow milk since 1985.

Communism - Cuban: You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. You begin to suspect that Fidel has no idea what he's talking about.

Communism - North Korean: We do not need cows. Those are the tools of the ruthless capitalist exploiters and rapists of the proletariat in the oppressed, feudal South. We will, in keeping with the principles of Juche, eat our own grass. Please do not pay attention to the mooing coming from the two large crates addressed to the Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il.

Communism - North Korean 2: You have two cows. The government takes them away and feeds them to the God-King. You starve to death, and when you complain, the government shoots you and puts your family in a concentration camp, even though the God-King has had nine heart attacks.

Communism - Russian: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government only lets you have a portion of the milk. Then the government sends you to gulag in northern Siberia when you complain that the people working in the big cities already have enough without taking your milk.

Communism - Russian: You have two cows, and only enough fodder to keep one alive through the Moscow winter. One of the cows is a hard worker, producing enough milk for thirty families, whereas the other is a leech living off state welfare without producing any milk. You split the hay evenly between them, and they both starve. You receive the Order of Lenin 2nd Class for your adherence to the Marxist philosophy.

Communism - Bureaucratic: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

Communism - Stalin 2: Your cows never existed.

Communism - Stalin: You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows are put in the Gulag. The milk? What milk? Who are you, and why are you asking about milk, comrade?

Communism - Stalin 2: You must be mistaken. The two cows you speak of never existed. I hope we have cleared up this misunderstanding. I suggest you never mention it again.

Communism - Lenin: You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary when you try to drink their milk. The cows are also shot as counter- revolutionary for supplying you with the milk. The urban proletariat gets the milk, but refuses to drink such petit bourgeois liquids.

Communism - Soviet: In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!!

Communism - Soviet 2: You have two cows. They milk you.!!

Communism - Philippines: These cows won't stop destroying your stuff or abducting your family until you give them their daily grass to chew on.

Conservipediaism: You have two cows. You start a homeschool organization to protest the evil public schools pushing the homosexual agenda. You eventually receive more cows to go in your homeschool organization. However, your cows all turn out to be gay.

Capitalism: You have no cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. Go and sell your cows for a third of their original cost. The bank takes 10.3% of that third of their original cost, your employer takes another 16.4%, the local government unofficially takes 35%, the secret police liberate 12.1%, the bank takes another 10.3%, and the Democratic party takes 32.6%.

Capitalism 2: You have two cows. Your landlord wants his rent, so you sell one cow to pay him. Your other cow dies when you try to milk it 8 times a day to have enough for your starving family. The next month the landlord again wants his rent, and you, debted, with no cows, are forced to work like a slave in a dehumanizing factory for laughable wages while your debt becomes greater through interest rates. Then you lose your job as it is outsourced to China, and you starve to death in the gutter.

Capitalism 3: You were born into a family with 1000 cows (with WordGirl's help). You hire indebted people and illegal immigrants at slave wages to milk them and manage to wrestle the competition and vertically integrate them all, gaining a monopoly. You get richer and richer doing absolutely nothing except swim around in Caipirinhas in a Caribbean resort, while your workers cannot afford to buy the milk with their wages. You are the envy of the world, and your daughter becomes an icon when she decides that her vocation is to be a whore and posts videos of her work on the internet.

Capitalism 4: You have 100,000,000 cows, and you are absolutely drowning in so much more milk than anybody can afford or drink, as one half of them is unemployed and the other half is working in your milk mines 32 hours a day. You lobby the government into starting a war, giving the unemployed half an income that they must use on milk that the government gets from you. You attach laser sights to your cow's horns and sell them for ludicrous prices to the government to be used as laser guided bombs. The government prints money to pay you, inflation is the result but you remain just as rich because all of the money that is printed goes straight to you.

Capitalism 5: You have two cows. You sell both to an agricultural business firm and use the money you made selling the cows to buy milk to feed yourself.

Capitalism - Brazil: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

Capitalism - Netherlands: You have two cows. You create a separate holding (of which you make yourself CEO), sell the cows to it then lease them back. Legal fees paid for the forming of the holding are tax-deductible. Oh, and in the first three years, your holding has extra tax benefits for being a small start-up company. Oh, and at the other end, you are allowed deduct the cow-leasing fee before taxes. So far, so good. With the money you got from selling the cows you decide to buy three pigs, with an additional option for seven more (at a fixed low price). And while you're at it, you get some options on three more cows (to be bought for a price based on a gliding scale, but still very attractive all in all). You sell your milk quota for all five cows at the stock exchange when prices are high, then buy back two cows worth from your neighbour when he is desperate enough to sell. You even do him a favor and sell him the options to the three extra cows at a friendly price. Or so he thinks. You now have two cows (with milk quota) and three pigs, plus a surplus amount of cash. You decide to cash in on two of the pigs options that you still own. Then, you sell three of your pigs to your cow-lease firm and then lease them back. The remaining five pig options are thrown into the deal. Since you have reduced the number of pigs that you might have owned from ten to five, the government (backed up by the European Commission) compensates you for the loss of income that you have suffered for not actually having owned the five optional pigs. Queen Beatrix comes along and commends you for being such an outstanding entrepreneur. Everybody is happy as a clam. Then unexpectedly one cow dies from the bird flu (H5N1). You demand a replacement cow from the cow-leasing firm. This, in turn, leads to litigation between the lease company and the insurance company (you DID take out insurance, didn't you?) After a while, the cow-leasing firm goes bankrupt. Since you now are unemployed (no longer being CEO of the cow-leasing firm) you apply for welfare. At 70% of the average earnings made over the last three months, this is a handsome income indeed. You decide to employ a caretaker for you business and retire. When you ask around at the Rotary what experiences the other members have hiring labour you learn that there is this new and exciting government program meant to deal with long-term unemployment. WHEEE!!!

Capitalism - Hong Kong: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

Capitalism - Russian: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Capitalism - Russian 2: You have no cows, but Roman Abromhovich has 7,000,000,000 cows which he bought off the government for two cups of milk in a closed auction.

Capitalism - Russian 3: You had two cows but you didn't know what they were or how to milk them so you sold them to Mikhail Kodorovsky for a cup of milk.

Capitalism - Swedish: You have two cows. You bought them from IKEA and assembled them yourself (it was cheaper). The Volvo cows last a lot longer but don't look as trendy.

Capitalism - Danish: You have two cows, and when a farmer from another country wants to come to your country you refuse this "in order to maintain the old danish culture" (regardless of how many cows the foreign farmer has). Meanwhile Sweden refuses to listen to you so all you can do now is to add this to Uncyclopedia.

Capitalism - Japanese: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Almost all graduated in the top 10 percent of their class. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. But cows suffer severe depression and number of new generation cows fall, and their children cows don't go out from their bedroom, where children's personal computer and cellphone battery charger is.

Capitalism - Japanese 2: You have two cows. They are commissioned to write new games for the new gaming systems. Five years later the Chinese cows take over the gaming market with counterfeit copies of the games you make. You lose your job and your meat is mixed up with the beef from the United States that is infected with Mad Cow Disease. Your meat is dumped into the sea and the fish eat it. Then this causes a huge epidemic of Mad Fish Disease. The entire seafood industry in Japan collapses and everybody starves to death.

Capitalism - Japanese 3: You have two cows. Your cow milk well and you have a generous life while cows are young. But as time goes on, cows get old and stop milking. You would try to kill old cow and buy younger ones, but the supreme court doesn't allow your killing old cows and buying new because it is "market-fundamentalism". You become poor.

Capitalism - Japanese 4: You and your immediate family members and close associates operate an expansive cow business for 54 years ever since they started from two cows. However your cow business is damn corrupted to the bone until you're afraid of your rival cow businesses.

Capitalism - Japanese 5: You have two cows. You bought them by illegal funding. You politely resign yourself as a cow buyer and live in a cold and bitter life while watching hentai.

Capitalism - Mexican: You have two cows. The Spanish come, take the cows away, and give you mirrors in return. The mirrors break, the Spanish enslave you for 400 years and destroy your culture. You try to get the cows back from the Spanish by rebelling. You rebel, but the sons of the Spanish keep the cows. They milk the cows and drink milk in front of you until you get sick of it, and try to democratically take the cows from them. You discover you're not the only one that wants the cows, and the democratic movement turns into a civil war/rebellion/faction infighting hell - after years of fighting, you don't manage to get the cows: you have to organise all the people that want them into a single party so you can all have milk without tearing each other apart over who gets to keep the cows. Everybody joins the party, and in exchange for loyalty and commitment to it, you get a little milk every now and then. This goes on for 70 years, until a rancher comes along and defeats the party in the elections. Now, the rancher milks the cows and doesn't give anyone milk, save for his friends, that make millions selling the milk. After that, the rancher discovers that there's a candidate promising to seize the cows if he wins the elections, and to share the milk with everyone. The rancher destroys that candidate's reputation, and he loses the elections. Now a dwarf is in charge of the cows. Much to his dismay, when killing one of the cows to have a steak, he discovers the cow was full of cocaine and marihuana packets. 6000 people get killed.

Capitalism - North Korea: You have two cows after North Korean government conducted an attempt to introduce a lesser form of capitalism around the cities that are near to the Chinese border. Your very tiny business fails miserably when you tried to sell the milk to the Chinese. And you feel hopeless. Then you plan to seek immigration as a refugee to South Korea on the price of selling your two cows.

Capitalism - South Korea 1: You have two cows. You follow exactly what the Japanese did to their cows with a distinctly Korean twist but it's better than the Japanese counterpart half of the times.

Capitalism - South Korea 2: You have two cows. You decide to trade them with few chickens or two pigs because there is a huge demand of pork bellies and chicken in the domestic market. Your business grows and become satisfied. Afterwards you will invest in sustainable-growing vegetables or fruits of farmers and organic domestic animal growers right before you join huge anti-governmental protests for eroding the South Korean environment. You are pissed and plan to send your educated children to Canada or USA for better education and jobs, so you let them invest on your new honest cow business right after you sell your pig or chicken business.

Capitalism - South Korea 3: You have two cows. You don't want to milk them but instead, you switch them with more than two Korean native brown cows (한우). You lend some them to the Korean folk villages catered for tourists and eagerly-obsessed students and get a steady flow of income. You sell the beef with good price but you are planning to protest against the un-patriotic government for approving the American beef import. Later, you lost your cow business and become a part-time instructor in a low-profile polytechnic college and a part-time advisor for your tiny local wholesales complex for trading rice, vegetables and legumes. Your work on two part-time jobs will sustain you enough to take care of your other family members a bit. You encourage your sons or nephews to get into the cow business or into the TV comedy business while you teach them how to be skeptical to the government for harassing farmers and poor people to give some good insights for developing nice sarcastic humor.

Capitalism - Swiss: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

Capitalism - Wall Street: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

Capitalism - Wall Street 2: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows to increase your share price on the stock market. You get Anderson to audit your business. You lose your business after Anderson demands thirty billion dollars in payment for the audit and you lose your cows.

Capitalism - Interventionist: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist governments in countries you've never heard of as part of the neverending battle against the "evils" of communism.

Capitalism - Industrial: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead. You half the wages of your workers in order to buy a new cow.

Capitalism - Democratic: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a hamster and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

Capitalism - Republican: You have two cows. Your poor black neighbor has none. So?

Capitalism - Republican 2: You have two cows. You give one cow to a lobbyist who gives the cow to a Congressman in exchange for lowering the cow tax. Now you have one cow and a Congressman. You fail at tell them apart.

Capitalism - Republican 3: The poor should give their cows to the rich so that the milk will trickle back down to the poor.

Capitalism - Republican 4: You have no cows, but you have Captian Huggy Face, and Sailor Earth

Capitalism - Enron: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. He then executes a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more. The public buys your bull. Now all this makes it look like you have 17 cows, but you really owe this guy five cows.

Capitalism - American: You have two cows. You prosper from their milk. You downsize the cows and get five Chinese calves, who produce milk cheaply and in horrific conditions. Your old cows are living on skimpy welfare payments and are scorned by other cows because they were too lazy to produce milk.

Capitalism - American 2: You have two cows. You give one to a lobbyist who talks to a congressman. The congressman gives you tax breaks. With the extra money you buy ten more cows. You give seven cows to the lobbyist, who encourages the government to pay you thirty cows so you can build a milk pipeline in Saudi Arabia so American citizens can have more milk, while depriving Saudi Arabian chickens of their freedom. You get fifty more cows because of it. You use forty cows to build a beef factory in China. In Saudi Arabia anti-cow sentiment is brewing because cows support the government. You ignore it. Several relatives of decapitated rebel-chickens crash planes into two very tall barns. You blame their religion and go to war with a nation which is home to the leader of the chickens. You give up because there are no hamburger stands there, go to war with a totally unrelated nation and start torturing ducks.

Capitalism - American (Circa 2008): You have two cows. You loan one cow to a neighbor who can't feed it. The cow starves to death. You ask the government for another cow.

Carthaginian Republic: You had two cows, before you were killed and the Romans took them.

Christianity: You have two cows, and the Lord hath said unto you, 'Go forth, my child, drink thine milk and eat thine patties.'

Colonialism: You had two cows - until they set up their own farm and claimed independence.

Cubism: You have two cows - but no one can tell what they are if you don't explain it to them.

Dadaism: You have two cows.

Dadaism 2: You are two cows.

Darwinism: You have two cows, and since you are at the top of the food chain - you eat them.

Democracy: You have two cows. An election is held, and the cows win.

Democracy: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. You starve, and they become unemployed and go bankrupt.

Democracy - Athenian: You have two cows. Your cows and yourself can vote and write flamboyant tales and philosophy for 100 years or so, blissfully ignoring the fact that women and the poor don't have the same rights. You are then owned every so often by the Persians, Spartans or Macedonians, then the Romans come along and crush you for good. Oh, and they sacrifice the cows to Mars.

Democracy - Philippines: You have two cows. The people are hungry. An election is held, and the cows win because their milk fed the people. The people go hungry again and take to the streets in People Power and demand the cows to be slaughtered. They are made into hamburgers. A few days later, the people are hungry again.

Democracy - Philippines (2): If the cows hate their herder, they simply cause a stampede and dump their pies all over a field called EDSA to force him/her out. If that doesn't work, they try (and try, and try, and try, and try, and try and try, and try, and try---whew--but, hold on, I'm not done yet--and try and try and try...) again to impeach him/her.

Democracy - American: You have two cows. Some old man in Washington gives a speech on his intentions to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a minute or so and then go back to televised sports "where there's no violence".

Democracy - American 2: You have two cows. The government exercises those powers delegated to it by the people, who are sovereign. The majority does not rule because the people and their representatives (elected, appointed and employed) are constrained by various checks and balances, including the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the three co-equal branches of government, and the 50 state republics (see, e.g., Article IV, section 4). So what the government does with your cows and with the milk is somehow not involved with what the people want.

Democracy - American 3: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

Democracy - Argentina: You have two cows and you elect one as president. The other is stolen by fugitive neo-nazi's who you couldn't be bothered extraditing. And all the while you're just happy that you haven't got some shit-crazy dictator.

Democracy - Florida: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best-looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

Democracy - Australian: You have two cows. The government nationalizes your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing field for consumers. Each cow has a calf and they grow into cows. The milkers union stage an industrial action (strike) to protest the increase in the number of milk cows. A new party comes to power and the economic rationalists privatize your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing field for producers. The government orders the slaughter of two cows to cut production and control the price of milk. You throw a huge beef Barbie (barbecue), with XXXX (how Australians spell beer), invite the milkers union, and give a speech espousing the merits of a level playing field. Everyone is stuffed to the gills with beef, milk, and beer, and nods gravely during your speech. You still have two cows.

Democracy - Japanese: You have two cows. You can get milk from them. But you can't butcher them and get meat because possession of arms and using violence is prohibited by The Constitution Chapter 9.

Democracy - Singaporean: You have two cows. You have to pay the government $10000 for a certificate of cow ownership. The government charges you for parking them and fines you for not cleaning up afterwards. 5% of the milk goes to the government as GST. The rest goes to charity because the government says so. NKF uses the milk to trick people into believing they are sabers of coloured milk and uses the money to buy gold plated taps and first class flights. You go broke and make the cows into hamburgers. The government then charges you for genocide.

Democracy - Pure: You have two cows. A vote is held over whether to kill you, eat your meat, and sell your bones on the market. The cows win.

DragonballZism: You have OVER 9000 cows.

Dyslexia: Uyo ehva wto swoc.

Conservatism: You have two cows. You lock them up, and charge people to look at them.

Economics: Assume you have two cows.

Economics - Free Trade: Foreign countries want to export two cows to your country. You are the US and don't want this, so you enact the Hawley-SMOOOOt Tariff and cause the world's entire market system to grind to a halt, and no one has two cows because they've all been eaten.

Eastern European Democracy: You have two cows. You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbors or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is "bio", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbor or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price.

Elpis: You have two cows. One of them is killed in an EOT council terrorist attack. So you decided to sue a random British man for that.

European Federalism: You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.

ENRON Corporation: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Environmentalism: You had two cows. PETA and other environmentalists came along, took them, released them into the wild (where they are immediately eaten by the wildlife in a gruesome way), kicked your ass, burned down your house, fucked your wife, other female relatives, left you and your family naked, since they also believe clothes fuck up the environment.

Egoism: You have two cows, but who cares about that? What about me?

Existentialism: You think you have two cows therefore you have.

Existentialism 2: You have two meaningless cows and there is no god.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Fascism 2: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and the government sells it to fund the anti-communist movement.

Fascism 3: You have two cows. The government takes one away and presses it into military service.

Fascism 4: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage. You blow up the cow depository. Now no one has any cows, except the leaders, who still have thousands. Your children starve to death and you kill yourself.

Fascism 5: You have two cows. The Fuhrer declares them an enemy of the people and sends them to Auschwitz.

Fascism 5: You have two cows. You care for them, milk them, and feed them. The government shoots you, and takes your cows.

Fascism 6: You have two cows. The government sends one cow to the Eastern front while the other has a big nose and is gassed. You however are shot.

Fascism - Corporate: You have two cows. The State takes both; their cronies form a corporation, hire you to take care of the cows and sell you the milk.

Fatalism: You have two cows. You die. You don't know if they die because you're already dead.

Fatalism 2: You have two cows, and there's not a damned thing you can do about it.

FCC (an acronym for theFascist Crackhead Castratos): You have two cows, both of which you regularly milk. Some dumb prick passing by your house observes you milking one of the cows, takes a seat and watches the whole thing through, and then complains to the FCC about the "extremely offensive and indecent act presented to him," citing the "obvious sexual references" and "family inappropriate nature" of the milking. You are then fined an exorbitant amount of money for violating indecency laws, and the aforementioned cow is banned from public presentation, effective immediately. However, since no one has filed a complaint about the milking of the second cow, you may continue your treatment of the second cow, as the FCC is a complaint based organization.

FEMA: You have two cows. You name one Katrina and the other Rita. You spend your time in the field blissfully looking the other way, mindlessly daydreaming while they wipe the entire state of Louisiana as well as much of Mississippi and their inhabitants forever off the map. Ypu're doing a heck of a jpb.

Feminism: You have two cows. They refuse to be milked because bulls aren't subjected to the indignity of being milked and there's NO difference between cows and bulls.

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes five-eights of the milk.

Feudalism 2: You have two cows. Your lord takes one of them. While milking the other one day, a knight rides up and kills you, and takes your other cow.

Feudalism 3: You have two cows. Your lord has the right to deflower them on their wedding night.

Financial Crisis-ism: You can't afford two cows. But because of rising cow prices the bank offers you a loan to buy one. When cow prices fall you are unable to payback the loan. The bank goes bust because no one pays back the loans they have made. The government has to bail out the bank. The milk is given to the bankers as bonuses.

Florida: You have two cows. One is seduced by a schoolteacher and then threatened by the owner of the cow next door, who claims your cow was making fun of it; the other is mauled by an alligator.

France: You have two cows (Vous avez deux vaches). They outnumber you (Elles sont plus nombreuses). You surrender and collaborate (Vous vous rendez et collaborez).

France 2: You have two cows. You stir up rebellion and organise riots, because YOU want THREE cows.

France 2: You have two cows. The cows go on strike and barricade your doors to demand more grass.

France 3: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

Fordism: Your have two cows. You decide one of them is redundant and sell it. Instead of tending to the remaining cow yourself, you hire ten people to do it(one for each stage of the cow-tending process).

Galactic Empire: You are searching for two cows on a desert planet, only to find that they have been taken by your neighbours. You kill your neighbours, only to realise that they didnt actually have the two droids your originally thought they did.

Gandhi: You have two cows. They form a national cownsel and demand autonomy. They declare peaceful protest and the right to milk themselves. A public movement to milk themselves embarrasses the British government. The Nazis overrun Europe. They declare that Nazis aren't any worse than the British. The Nazis mark your cows down for future extermination.

Germany: You have two cows. You rub their manure on yours and your partners chest.

Germany 2: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run 100 miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

Gonzales: I don't recall any cows.

Government cow-er-up: Cows never crash-landed in the New Mexico desert. In fact, cows never even existed. You never saw anything.

Greece: You have two cows.So what?

Green: You have two cows. They produce too much methane. You shoot them and win the Nobel Peace prize for finding a new way to cut down natural green house gas emission

Halutopia: You have two cows. They are yours. You are the only person there.

Hedonism: You have two cows. They're too busy drinking, partying, and having sex to give milk.

Heartland: You have two cows... and so does everyone else.

Hinterland: You have two cows. No one has enough money to buy the milk you produce, so you sell them to the Heartland.

Housing Bubble Crash 2008: You bought a cow you cannot afford from a very friendly loan officer. When interest rates explode, the collectors begin coming to your farm, so you do the logical thing, and abandon your cow and the farm it's on. The President and Federal Reserve Chairman deny that there's any problem with the cow market.

Idiocracy: You have two cows. One cow is stupid and breeds with other stupid cows, while the smart cow doesn't try to mate. Eventually you have lots of stupid cows.

Idiocracy #2: You have two cows. These two cows moo while you're watching "Ow! My Balls!" You Slaughter them mercilessly for interrupting "Ow! My Balls!"

Idiocracy 3: You have two cows. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

Idiocracy 4: If you have one cow that can fill a 5 gallon milk bucket, and one cow that can fill a two gallon milk bucket, how many cows do you have?

Idiocy: You bribe one cow to eat you and the other cow to eat itself.

Imelda Marcos: You have two cows. One is love, and the other is peace. Love and peace make beauty, while peace and beauty make love, while beauty and love make peace. Feed the first cow to enrich the other cow, but you cannot feed the other cow because it will deprive the spirit of beauty. If you deprive the two cows of beauty, you will get a Pac-Man soul. That's peace.

Indian Democracy: You have two cows. The government passes a law forbidding you to kill them. The minority religious constitencies fight for your right to kill the cows if you choose to do so. Your cows are featured in a Yash Chopra movie dramatization of the dispute, become film stars, and are elected to parliament.

Indonesia 1: You have two cows. You give them both away as dowry and get married. The cows eventually end up as halal meat patties at a McDonalds which is being destroyed by protesters.

Indonesia 2: You have two cows. You sell them to a halal beef processing facility that exports its beef to Malaysia. You instead buy an abandoned soybean farm in the countryside from a bad farm owner with the help of mainland Chinese investors. Malaysian businessperson will send an angry letter to you why you ditched your two cows.

Ingsoc: You have two cows, and you provide them with plenty of fresh feedcow and clean, cool cowdrink. However, miniluv declares this to be crimethink. You are taken away to be realigned with the Party. When you return you realize that you actually have five cows.

Ingsoc 2: You have two cows. The government takes them, erases all records that the cows ever existed, and gives you artificial milk and artificial meat instead.

Ingsoc 3: You have two cows. Your neighbor has two cows. Together, you have five cows.

Ingsoc 4: You have one cow. You have always had one cow.

Ingsoc 5: You have two cows. Black is white. Eurasia is ungood. Eastasia is ungood. Oceania is plusgood. BB is doubleplus good. You have one cow.

Ingsoc 6: You have two cows. You get two more cows. You now have five cows. If you do not believe this, you will be arrested, tortured, released, and then killed.

Ingsoc 7: How many cows am I holding up?

Internet: You have tucows. Use it to download shit.

Internet 2: You have two cows. They have one cup.

Internet 3: You have a series of cows.

Internet 4: You have two cows and a Goatse.

Iraqi Corporation: You have two cows but they are taken away from you. Everybody else thinks you have lots of cows, so they decide to bomb the shit out of you. You still have no cows, but at least you are now part of a democracy.

Iraq: You have three cows. You're killed because other people want what's under the land the cows graze on. Your three cows then attempt to kill each other.

Iraq 2: You have 2 cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Ireland: You have two cows. One must be sold in order to purchase more scarce potatoes while the other miraculously becomes Minister for Health

Islamic Republic: You have two cows, thats all.

Israel: You have two cows that think the neighbor's farm is theirs too. You spend all your time protecting them from the neighbors.

Italian Republic: You have two cows. You have no idea where they are. You break for lunch.

Italian Republic 2: You have two cows. You use them to make a seven course meal. While you were eating you missed a vote and are no longer prime minister.

Jack: Jack has two cows. One dies due to exess facial hair invading the eyes, mouth and nostrils. The other simply fails.

Japan - WWII Era: You have two cows. They sacrifice themselves to the emperor's cause of fighting in Manchuria. Afterwards other countries go crazy whenever you visit a farm or burger joint.

Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them to make the milk of 10 cows, and be 5 times more compact. You create a clever cartoon character, dub it 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. And Chinese corporations make cheaper copies of them.

JFK: You have two cows. You go on a prade one day and get assasinated. A conspiracy theory forms involving both cows, one on a grssy nole and one in a building. They later kill both cows in secret and realise that niehter of them could have done it.

John Howard: You had two cows and their calves were thrown overboard by illegal immigrants.

"Jon Mack": You have two cows. You feed them McDonald's food. They get fat and play guitar.

Jokes: You have two cows. These two cows walk into a bar and...Shit! Wrong section.

Jokes 2: You have three cows. Two walk into a bar, but the third one ducks.The two that ran into the(metal)bar give you milk and a good laugh. The one that ducked somehow sheared it's body apart from it's head and legs. You drink milk and eat steak for many nights. Your cows hate you, make your hot wife shoot milk out of her boobs, and shear your body from your head and limbs. The jokes gets in a infinite loop and the world ignites, explodes, and does it again until a McDonald's turns into a black hole and destroys everything. And you. And me. And Wikipedia. And only Uncyclopedia exists, until it A splodes. This sucks.

Kevin Rudd: Do you have two cows? Yes. Will you have three cows any time soon? No. My challenge to Mr Howard is this: create more cows for working families.

Kevin Rudd 2: You have a whole country side of camels. You decide to kill the cammels so you have room for your two cows. Your'e then criticized by Americans for commiting Camelcide.

Kevin Rudd 3: You have two cows. Your neighbour has no cows. You form a commity involving the rest of your neighbourhood to try and figure out a way to make everyone feel included.

Kevin Rudd 4: You have two cows. Some big companies are causing pollution that affects the growth of cows. You give them your cows in an attempt to stop them from polluting. They kill the cows and send their hoofs back to you as a thankyou gift.

Keynesian Economics: You have two cows. Both of them are concrete.

Keynesian Economics 2: You have two cows. The government gives you a third cow so that you will be able to make more money which would then feed into other industries. Most historians believe, though, that your economic woes were actually resolved when you fought your neighbors.

Kleptocracy: You have two cows. The government steals them... yeah... that's it.

Lebanon: You have two cows. They are owned by Syria. You drive them out in a revolution but one cow is held hostage by Hezbollah and the other is assassinated by it's political enemies. You are then killed in an Israeli air strike.

Lebanon 2: You had two cows, but one was bought by Syria. The other was bought with money from the United States. Every so often they skirmish. It's not pretty.

Libertarianism: You have two cows. You exchange one for gold and rent out the other for more gold. You sit alone in your house with lots and lots of gold, slowly starving and suffering from malnutrition due to lack of dairy products.

Libertarian-Socialism: You have two cows. Someone steals one. You give the police a bucket of milk to find the guy and get your cow back. The cop keeps your cow after arresting the guy.

Libertarian-Syndicalism: You own 47.8% of your cows, the Farmer's Union owns 15.4%. the person that owns the barn owns 28.5%, and shares of the remaining 8.3% are traded on the open market.

Malaysia: You have two cows. They end up being taken to court and forced to convert to Islam.

Materialism: I have two cows, and they're both MINE! MINE! MINE! Damn you! You can't have them! Leave them alone, and gimme more cows!

Mentalism: When I click my fingers you will awake from your trance and have two cows!

Matrixism: There are no cows.

Me: I have twenty cows because my daddy's rich.

Meritocracy: You have two cows. The government awards the cow that makes the most milk, which is then put in a stud farm.

Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Monarchy: You have two cows... and the queen drives past to wave at them.

Monty Python: You have two cows. If the cows weight the same as a duck, they are made of wood, and therefore resting, and not dead. You have two ex-cows. Ni.

Mother 3: You have two cows. The Pig Army turns them into Cowasaurus Rex.

Nationalism: You have two cows. One, due to its breed and national origin, in inherently superior to the other. You kill the other.

Nazism: The government shoots you and takes your two cows!!

Nazism 2: You have two cows. One of them is jewish, and is sent to the gas chambers.

Neo-Conservatism: You have two cows. Your enemies have two cows. You sell Nerve gas to your enemies' neighbors to get rid of the cows. He uses them on your enemies, but also on your allies' cows. You wage 2 long, merciless wars to get rid of the person that you sold nerve gas to. You sell both cows to fund the wars and owe 200 cows. You blame the terrorists for the whole ordeal.

Neo-Liberalism: You make a deal where your child corporation buys two cows from the government for 50 cents each. Over several years you let all the profit go to your Swiss bank account, and neglect the cows. Your child corporation files for bankruptcy, the government finds out about the state of the cows and buys them back for $3 million each.

Neo-Colonialism: Your neighbor has two cows. You convince him to borrow money from you to build a farm he cannot afford. The farm becomes a mismanaged disaster that will require even more money to get it up to scratch. You refinance the loan so that he will never pay off the interest payments in his lifetime. You then convince him to sell you the two cows at very cheap prices.

Neopia: You have two Kaus.

New Labourism: You have two cows. One stands to be leader of the Labour party, the other one wants to stand but would probably lose, and in doing so would destabilize the party. The cow which has stood makes a deal with the other cow that if they win the general election he will step down as Prime minister after eight years and give the other cow the job. After eight years the Prime minster cow decides to to go back on this deal. The other cow and his supporters try to force the Prime minister cow to resign. After two more years the Prime minister cow finally resigns and gives the job to the other cow. Who subsequently loses the next election because he's crap at the job.

New Zealand: You have two cows. You exchange them for two sheep, and become the bane of many an Australian joke for years to come.

New Zealand 2: You have two cows. You've always had two cows, because the government paid you more than your milk was worth so that the nation could afford milk. When they stop paying subsidies you club together with everyone else that has two cows and sell all your milk to China to make infant formula. China sells the milk back to you at a profit and fakes up the formula with rice water and plastic and kills off all the kids that didn't die in an earthquake or a flood.

New Zealand 3: You have two cows, refer to them as hobbits, and are currently trying to take them to Isengard.

Nigerian: You have twenty-five million cows, but they are locked in a vault. You need a gullible foreigner to free them.

Nigerian 2: DEAR FRIEND, I AM SON OF FORMER NIGERIAN PRESIDENT SANI ABACHA. YOU WERE RECOMMENDED TO ME BY A COLLEAGUE. I HAVE A BUSINESS PROPOSITION FOR YOU. I HAVE TWO COWS...

Nigerian Government: You have two cows. You are blamed for the starvation in Africa because of your greed.

Nigerian Government 2: You have two cows. They scam people by e-mail.

Nihilism: You have no cows. Who really cares, anyway? They're just gonna die some day, and so are you. And nobody's going to remember you. And even if they did, you'd still be dead. It's all so pointless. You might as well be dead now.

Nihilism 2: You don't have two cows.

Norway: You have two cows. You cannot sell the milk because of government milk quotas. Winter comes, and the cows freeze to death. The government does nothing.

Objectivism: It is your rational self-interest to possess as many cows as you can, and trade freely the goods they produce without any form of coercion applied unto you or other members of the society. Should an altruist, mystic government dare to control your cows, Shrug and go on strike.

Objectivism 2: You have two cows, your neighbors kill them out of spite.

Optimism: You have two bulls. You're looking forward to all the fresh milk.

P2P: twocows.zip md5:5d67ae9153dbdccf60acc9f41b7d905e

Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Russian Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

Pinochetism: You had two cows. They got taken away by the socialists and given to people who had no idea what they were doing. Milk becomes scarce and the USA prevents you from buying more. Then the military shoots the socialists and confiscates the cows with the help of the USA, who gets the rights to the most lucrative cows. Now there is milk, but you don't have the money to buy it.

Poland: You have two cows. Local politicians discover that one of your cows is gay and makes a big public scene about it. No one buys your sinful milk.

Politicow Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unpecified gender and sexual orientation.

Post-modernism: You have two cows,... and perhaps the lack of a solution to the issue proves that this is the only logical answer.... or maybe not.

Pre-discovered America: What's a cow?

Prostitution: You have two cows. Nobody is going to buy them if you give the milk away for free.

Playboyism: Milk is a commodity you can get anywhere. Who needs to actually buy the cows?

Pure Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Pure Communism: You don't have cows. Your commune has two cows, and everyone shares them. You go home after work every day, content that you live in a classless society.

Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. Everyone works together to take care of all of the cows. The milk is equally distributed among you all.

Putridism: You have two cows. They share a cup and...

Puzzle Pirates: You work really hard, pillaging for days, defeating brigands and barbarians, to earn two cows. You trade one of them for 5 dubloons. You spend the 5 dubloons and the other cow to buy a milk pail. You cannot move it around too much or it will disappear.

Quebec: Vous avez deux vaches. You have two cows.

Reaganism: Your two cows are a threat to the American way of life, we must go to war with them.

Reaganism 2: The milk of your two cows will trickle down to the poor.

Republic: You have two cows. You vote for a representative who promises to vote for you to get the milk, but somehow the milk gets lost once it reaches the representative.

Skepticism: You have two cows but require proof.

Schizophrenia: We have two cows and so do I.

Social Liberalism: You have two cows, you're part of the "lucky 1% who won life's lottery" and as soon as we get some "real Democrats" elected, you'll have to share your cows. Any day now.....hang on.....next election for sure!....okay, the NEXT one, really for sure!

Soylent: SOYLENT GREEN is TWO COWS!

Stonerism: Woah... Cows...

Stonerism 2: Dude..... You have two cows.... We should smoke one and eat the other when we get the munchies man.....

Stalinism: Two cows in one country. You make a five year plan. You achieve your goals in three years. Ten million cows died.

Stalinism 2: You had two cows.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Surrealism 2: You have two aardvarks. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Surrealism 3: You have two melting clocks. Your oversized comb screams.

Surrealism 4: You had two platypi. The government took them away because your harmonica lessons made your oversized comb scream. Then you found a penny and became rich.

Surrealism 5: You have two pig-melons. The government forces you to take up ballroom dancing as a living.

Surrealism 6: You have two emus. The Government forces you to pay for their harmonica lessons.

Technocracy: You have two cows, but nearly everything is controlled by A.I so you turn them into beef (Mmm, tasty!).

Thatcherism: You have two cows. Your leader goes to war with the Falklands. Neither of your cows like her. None of the comedians likes her either.

Thatcherism 2: You have two cows. The Prime Minister decides to introduce a new cow tax which is the same for everyone in your village, regardless of how rich or poor they are. You riot in Trafalgar Square. Unless you're Scottish, in which case you just don't bother paying up. The Prime Minister resigns.

Theocracy: You have two cows. You may only milk them every third Sunday, or be stoned to death by the other cow owners. You must brush them from left to right, or be stoned. If you do not milk the cows, you are also stoned to death. Failure to participate in stoning is grounds for stoning.

Theocracy (Hindu): You have two cows. You worship them.

Terrorist: You have two cows. You strap bombs to them, and send them to the nearest embassy in order to further your agenda.

Third World Globalized "Democracy": Ten years ago, your village had two cows. One cow died from dehydration after Bechtel built a hydroelectric dam upstream. The other was sold to pay your debt to the World Bank for building the dam. After you threw stones at the dam employees in protest, a death squad shot you and your family for being communists.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. You go to prison.

Totalitarianism 2: You have two cows. You're shot, and the cows are tortured until they love Big Brother. Also, everyone speaks in a weird abbreviated language. Your cows don't even go "moo". They just sorta go "m".

Tychism: Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect two cows.

Democratic Cows: You have two cows. Your neighbor has no cows. You have to sell a cow to pay the egregiously high taxes to get your neighbor a cow, but when your neighbor gets the cow, he too has to sell his cow to pay for giving you your second cow.

Racism: You have two cows. The white cow sends the black cow into his own paddock and establishes apartheid.

Realism: Come on! Unless you happen to live on a dairy farm, you actually don't own any cows!

Republican Cows: You have two cows. Your neighbor has three cows, and you can't have fewer cows than your neighbor, so you get the government to lower your taxes so that you can afford the additional cow. However, your neighbor now has lower taxes too, so he gets a fourth cow. You keep getting the government to lower taxes until you and your neighbor both have ahuge herd of cows. Meanwhile, the government goes bankrupt, hyperinflation occurs, and all of your cows become worthless.

Republican Cows 2: You have 2 cows. One of the cows convinces you that if you stop milking her, you'll end up with 3 times the milk. When it fails, she blames congress for not cutting milk consumption.

Roman Republic (SPQR): You have two cows. Your two cows have been elected Consuls for this year, and lead armies to foreign lands to subjugate barbarians. Next year, someone else's two cows will be elected as Consuls.

Roman Republic (SPQR) 2: You had two cows. The Romans took them away, along with half of the population as slaves. You find yourself working for an obscenely rich man in Capua, as his slave. He won't shut up, and keeps on preaching about "the Republic" and "Freedom" and "Wars against Tyranny".

Roman Empire: You have two cows. You pay so much money in taxes for them that you are forced to return them to the state. You rise in rebellion, and are promptly captured, tortured, and crucified.

Roman Empire under Emperor Caligula: You have two cows. They're mates with this horse whose nutty owner has made him a Consul.

Roman Empire, Province of Judea: You have two cows. A very holy man asks you to leave them, and tells you that you can become milkers of men.

Romanticism: You have two beautiful, majestic, elegant, bovine companions. You think about them daily.

Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You count them and find you have 10 cows. You count them again and find you have 7 cows. You count them again and find you have 2 cows. You decide to stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Exo-Politics: When 2 cows fill the skies will our leaders tell us why?

Uncyclopedia: You have two cows. Paint the cows pink, take pictures and submit an article about Hot Pink Cows in California.

Vallyism: You have, like, two cows and like, so do I, so like, they spend all day on their cell phones calling other, like cows.

Utopia: You have two cows, and everyone including the cows is happy. All the time.

Wales: You have two sheep.

Wigan: You have two cows. They are the best looking females around.

Wigan Athletic: You have two cows, they are your seasons average attendance.

Wigan Warriors: You have thirteen cows, plus four on the subs bench. You realise too late that cows cannot play Rugby. You sell the cows to various other Rugby league clubs and import Australian cows instead. The Australian cows cannot play Rugby either. You shoot the cows and wonder how Celtic Crusaders beat you

Wikipedia: You have two cows.^{[citation needed]} Analyze the cows submit facts about them.

Wikipedia 2: You have two cows. You replace one with a better cow, but then an administrator bans you for "vandalism" because the original cow used to be his.

Windows Vista: You have two cows and a bull. You try to breed them - Are you sure you want to breed them? Yes. Are you sure you're sure? Yes. - But you can't breed them due to copyright protection devices implanted in them at birth. Some kids infect them with a virus and they die.

With guns: You have two cows, they write A clever song that states their terms of rebellion and one of them becomes some sort of guru. they becmoe armed in the middle of the night and eventually all beef consumers are killed through a massive revolutionary warbetween man and cow caused by the idea that cows were treated unjustly when they were brutally slaughtered to feed the human race. the two cows you had are now world leaders and you, the lowly farmer at the begining of this whole mess, are hung for ever imprisoning two cows in the first place. (google cows with guns youll get it)

Worms 1: You have an airstrike.

Worms 2: You have a concrete donkey.

Worms 3: You have three explosive (mad) cows.

Worms 3: You have just one cow. It is a super cow and can fly around the map, exploding when it runs into things.

Year Zeroism: You don't have two cows.Cows don't exist anymore, even though the government tells you that there are loads of them in some place nobody knows about. You still buy the milk, which is in fact coloured water with parepin and th... OMG you see the Presence and you run to your computer and write in forums about it.

Yodaism: Two cows you have, hmmm?

Yu Gi Oh: The Abridged Series: Attention Deulists: You have two cows... In America!

Zero-growth: You have two cows. The government neuters/spays them both.

Zimbabwe: You have a hundred trillion cows, but together they only make as much milk as a single American cow.

Zoomorphism: You have two cows. One of them could be Jesus in cow form.

Veganism: You have two cows, and choose not to exploit them. Everyone is happy, including the cows.

Familysm: You have two cows, one is from your dad and the other is a fake...!

Curiozitate

2011-06-27T23:48:00.002+03:00

Sunt curios cum ar fi am putea asculta gandurile persoanelor cu care vorbim... Dar nu output-ul, cuvintele cizelate pline de diplomatie sau ipocrizie uneori, mila sau orice alt condiment pentru niste trairi care oricum sunt cat se poate de impersonale... As vrea sa ascult gandurile brute, nemodificate. Primul gand pe care il are cineva care te vede dimineata ca ti-ai luat bluza cu spatele-n fata. Primul cuvant care-i vine in minte celei care iti vede incaltarile neingrijite. Oare care este impulsul oamenilor? Sa judece? Sa rada? Nu ar fi oare mai usor si mai corect fata de toata lumea daca ideile ar fi expuse pe masura ce acestea s-ar naste? Cu siguranta ar disparea o mare masa de prieteni falsi, acei prieteni care ar fi in stare sa-ti spuna ca arati bine sau ca esti nemapomenit chiar daca arati de parca ai iesit dintr-un magazin cu reduceri dintr-un cartier de pensionari... Nu ar mai fi nici acele persoane care te ridica-n slavi, care sunt in stare sa faca modificari in lege pentru tine atat timp cat esti prezent, pentru ca mai apoi, odata cu plecarea ta, sa se dezlantuiasca oprobriul care cel mai probabil de va desfiinta din toate punctele de vedere, fie acestea valabile sau nu... Da, ar fi mai bine daca toate aceste lucruri s-ar intampla... Daca sinceritatea ar fi la baza tuturor dialogurilor deschise de noi toti. Pentru ca altfel am sti sa ascultam cand ar trebui sa ne facem o parere legata de cineva... Altfel am fi impresionati de cineva cand stim ca persoana respectiva isi expune cele mai sincere pareri... povesti suntem toti in stare sa spunem sau sa cream. Sa le evitam in schimb, mai putini... Cu toate ca intr-o oarecare masura, suntem toti ipocriti... toti avem doza de minciuna cronica adanc inradacinata in comport astfel incat sa nu facem anumite lucruri care atenteaza la buna conduita, cu toate ca in alte conditii le-am dori facute... doar o idee.... fara cap si fara coada... dar sincera, netransformata....

ENGLISH

2011-04-01T13:51:00.001+03:00

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place...

Variatia Temperaturilor

2011-01-26T15:49:00.001+02:00

+20° – Grecii îmbracã puloverele (dacã si le gãsesc).

+15° – Cei din Hawai pornesc caloriferele (dacã le au).

+10° – Americanii tremurã, rusii seamãnã porumb.

+5° – Îti poti vedea respiratia. Masinile italiene nu mai pornesc. Norvegienii fac o baie. Rusii conduc cu geamurile deschise.

0° – Apa îngheatã în America, în Rusia doar se întãreste.

-5° – Masinile franceze nu mai pornesc.

-10° – Începi sã plãnuiesti o vacantã în Australia.

-15° – Pisica insistã sã doarmã în patul tãu. Norvegienii îmbracã puloverele.

-18° – Primãria din New York porneste caloriferele. Rusii fac ultimul picnic din sezon.

-20 – Masinile americane nu mai pornesc. Cei din Alaska încep sã poarte mâneci lungi.

-25° – Masinile germane nu mai pornesc. Cei din Hawai sunt morti.

-30° – Politicienii încep sã discute despre cei fãrã locuinte. Pisica preferã sã doarmã în pijamaua ta.

-35° – Prea frig pentru a mai gândi. Masinile japoneze nu mai pornesc.

-40° – Plãnuiesti o baie fierbinte care sã dureze douã sãptãmâni. Masinile suedeze nu mai pornesc.

-42° – Transporturile sunt oprite în Europa. Rusii mãnâncã înghetatã pe stradã.

-45° – Toti grecii sunt morti. Politicienii chiar încep sã facã ceva pentru cei fãrã locuinte.

-50° – Genele încep sã ti se lipeascã atunci când clipesti. În Alaska, oamenii îsi închid ferestrele de la baie.

-60° – Ursii albi încep sã migreze spre sud.

-70° – Iadul îngheatã.

-73° – Serviciile speciale finlandeze îl evacueazã pe Mos Crãciun din Laponia. Rusii poartã cãciuli cu urechi.

-80° – Avocatii bagã mâinile în propriile buzunare.

-114° – Alcoolul etilic îngheatã. Rusii nu sunt fericiti.

-273° – Zero absolut, miscarea atomilor se opreste. Rusii poartã cizme.

-295° – 90% din planetã e moartã. Echipa de fotbal a Rusiei devine campioanã mondialã.

Meditatie

2011-01-09T10:28:00.000+02:00

Si eu sunt constient si de acord ca intr-o oarecare masura valorile romanesti au fost pierdute din anumite motvie. Perfect de acord ca unii au plecat sau ca unii au avut nenorocul de a fi fugariti de comunism.

Dar sunt la fel de convins ca este de datoria noastra, acum, cand avem libertatea si puterea, sa le redescoperim si sa le recunoastem. Asta este una din datile cand nu ar fi urat sa arati cu degetul. Sa arati cu degetul inspre cineva care iti reprezinta tara inafara si o face foarte bine. Sunt tineri care se intorc cu roabe de medalii de la olimpiadele internationale, sunt elevi romani de clasa a sasea in Romania care ar trebui inscrisi in clasa a noua in Italia pentru ca au rezultate bune. Sunt romani care salveaza vieti in spitalele din afara si nu numai. Toate astea sunt VALORI ROMANESTI. Pentru ca nu primesc fiecare cate un Nobel (cum a primit Palade, Muller), asta nu-i face mai putin valorosi.

Ca in afara, romanii sunt priviti chioras, este partial adevarat. In primul rand, nu este vina strainilor ca identitatea noastra se confunda cu a tiganilor. Poate ca este o scapare sau poate ca este o doza de ignoranta sau poate ca au si ei problemele lor. Si nu, in momentul in care spui ca esti roman, nu iti arunca cu nimic in cap. Am fost in Italia intr-un hotel si mi s-a spus ca din toti, romanii sunt singurii care isi fac patul cand pleaca din camera. Exista buruieni... Sunt de acord. Dar buruienile sunt tot acei romani care se vad scapati la prosciutto si panettone si uita de cozonac si slanina (vorbesc de ignoranti, de nerecunoscatori). Poti sa imi spui norocos, poti sa imi spui caz rar sau poti sa crezi ca mint, dar cat am fost plecat nu mi-a spus nimeni ca sunt tigan sau ca nu vrea sa stea langa mine pentru ca sunt din Romania. Si daca stam si ne gandim, oamenii care cred ca cineva are ceva cu noi, are frustrari si complexe. Noi nu ducem grija altor tari. Nu stam sa ne gandim ca daca as cunoaste un om venit din Cuba, as crede ca e traficant. Nu suntem atat de importanti incat lumea in afara nu poate sa doarma noaptea de grija reactiei de a se intalni cu un roman. Am fost primit de necunoscuti in casa lor, am intalnit straini si a fost o experienta placuta. Si daca au avut experienta neplacuta cu romanii, este de datoria noastra, a celorlalti romani sa le aratam ca nesimtitii si ignorantii sunt exceptii la noi in tara, nu invers.

Pupatori in fund!? ... romanii!? Mai rau decat alte natii nu suntem. Noi nu am fost nevoiti sa ne casatorim veri cu matusi cu nepoti (ca majoritatea caselor regale din vest) de frica tronului. Noi am fost prea ocupati sa ne pastram teritoriul national si identitatea nationala intr-o regiune geografica aflata la confluenta unor mai puteri politice. Nu am pupan in fund. Ca cei de la conducere (Antonescu) a decis sa fim de partea nemtilor, nu a fost o decizie a poporului. Daca tot el ar fi trecut de partea rusilor atunci am fi putut comenta de fatarnicie... Sa nu uitam ca am intors armele dupa lovitura de stat a Regelui. Acelasi rege pe care nu am fost capabili sa-l aparam cand a fost cazul...

In tara nu sunt 30 la suta tigani... Nu sunt nici macar 10%...

Sunt de acord ca tara a fost prost guvernata imediat dupa revolutie si s-a furat ca-n codru. Sunt la fel de trist cand vine vorba de romanii care au pierit pentru libertatea tarii. Totusi, moartea lor nu a fost in van. Suntem LIBERI. Suntem in democratie. Ca nu este pe cat de bine sperau, este timpul sa ne sacrificam noi pentru a indeplini acest obiectiv...Ei si-au indeplinit misiunea...

Nu trebuie sa iti ceri scuze pentru ce crezi. Trebuie doar sa analizezi si sa vezi imaginea in ansamblu. Multi romani nu vad momentan padurea din cauza copacilor. Daca stam sa analizam putin, la rece, vedem ca dracul nu-i atat de negru!

Cum ar relata media din Romania Apocalipsa

2010-12-08T16:15:00.000+02:00

Antena 3: In trei zile Basescu nu va mai fi presedinte! Am invins!!

OTV: Senzational! Urmariti ultimele stiri despre Apocalipsa in direct la Dan Diaconescu! Vrajitoarea Lenuta va da sfaturi cum sa va purtati pe lumea cealalta.

Libertatea: E ultima ta sansa sa fii fata de la pagina 5! Trimite o poza acum.

ProTV: Un copil a ars de viu si nu va mai apuca sa vada apocalipsa!

CanCan: Sursele noastre spun ca Nicoleta Luciu va petrece sfarsitul lumii departe de iubitul ei.

Cotidianul: Mai ai timp sa citesti o carte din colectia Cotidianul!

B1Tv: Urmareste la Nasul dezvaluiri incendiare despre parlamentarii care profita de sfarsitul lumii!

Cosmopolitan: 10 sfaturi pentru o ultima partida de sex fantastica!

Sfaturi in bucatarie: Pregateste-ti singur coliva!

Aventuri la pescuit: Daca apare pestisorul auriu, trimite-l la noi.

Catavencu: Apocalipsa noastra e mai inteligenta decat a lor.

Parfum de istorie

2010-11-20T13:45:00.003+02:00

Filmul "Autobiografia lui Ceaușescu" prezintă mai multe momente din viața celui ce a condus țara pentru 24 de ani. Cineva ce privește filmul, analizându-l dintr-o perspectivă cât mai obiectivă, nu poate să nu sesizeze popularitatea de care bucura acesta la un moment dat. Primul președinte american la București, prima țară din blocul socialist care a avut relații economice cu UE, una din puținele țări din Europa care se bucura de simpatia Chinei, toate sunt merite pe care nu le putem ignora fostului dictator. În egală măsură, orice spectator observă convingerea cu care Ceaușescu vorbea și patriotismul de care dădea dovadă.

Sunt întru totul de acord cu acuzele aduse la adresa comunismului legate de lipsa libertății de exprimare și asuprirea persoanelor dar cred că este momentul să recunoaștem lucrurile care s-au făcut bine în acea vreme.

Personal, sunt foarte indignat de lipsa acută a valorilor de care dau dovadă compatrioții noștri. Am fost, sunt și voi fi mereu mândru ca sunt ROMÂN. Nu sunt mândru de ce se întâmplă în momentul de față în țară. Nu sunt mândru de ușurința cu care românii capitulează în fața problemelor apărute dintr-un motiv sau altul și întorc spatele situației naționale cu o remarcă cinică, de care sunt mai mult decât sătul ”România, țară de câcat...” Dacă la început primeam această replică cu o oarecare indiferență, în momentul de față simt că de fiecare dată când cineva rostește aceste cuvinte aruncă cu noroi în trecutul României, aruncă cu noroi în ceea ce o serie de persoane ca Mihai Viteazul, Cuza, Kogălniceanu s-au chinuit să clădească.

Cineva m-a întrebat de ce ar trebui să fie mândru că este român... Pentru a-i răspunde cu o oarecare doză de cinism i-am răspuns că ar trebui să fie mândru pentru că în primul rând nu va putea schimba vreodată acest lucru... va rămâne român până la moarte, indiferent că îi convine sau nu... Lăsând totuși fatalismul la o parte, fiecare din noi ar trebui să fim mândri în primul rând pentru că existăm ca țară. Am avut marele dezavantaj de a ne poziționa într-o zonă geografică în care când încercam să facem față unei invazii dintr-o parte, eram atacați prin alta. Am rezistat ca națiune, ca țară, ca popor cu costul greu al multor vieți. Iar acesta este un motiv să fim mândri că suntem români... Măcar din respect pentru ceea ce au făcut cei neamul nostru, dar ceea ce prea puțini ar mai avea curajul să facă în prezent...

Românilor le-ar trebui un duș rece în istoria noastră, dar cu niște infuzii de valori românești în prealabil... Majoritatea economiilor dezvoltate au ajuns acolo unde sunt în momentul de față pentru că au impulsionat propria economie prin consumarea produselor naționale cu precădere... Românul are însă o doză de megalomanie și superioritate adunată în câțiva ani de lucrat în țări străine care îl împiedică să cumpere produse românești, cauzată de calitatea îndoielnică a acestora... Mare greșeală... Produsele românești sunt, în medie, la fel de bune ca oricare altele. Mai mult chiar, cum se face că din primăvară până în toamnă, dăm iama în piețe căutând produse românești?!

E de datoria noastră să schimbăm ceva... a noastră a tineretului, a noastră a românilor...

Recunostinta

2010-09-14T16:24:00.001+03:00

Motive pt care ii sunt datoare mamei:
1. Mama m-a invatat SA APRECIEZ O TREABA BINE FACUTA "Daca vreti sa va omorati intre voi, mergeti afara. De-abia am terminat de facut curat"

2. Mama m-a invatat ce e RELIGIA "Roaga-te sa iasa pata aia din covor"

3. Mama m-a invatat ce e LOGICA "Pentru ca asa am zis eu, de-aia"

4. Mama m-a invatat MAI MULTA LOGICA "Daca o sa cazi de pe hinta si iti rupi gatul, nu te mai iau cu mine in oras"

5. Mama m-a invatat ce e IRONIA "Plangi in continuare, si o sa-ti dau eu motive pt care sa plangi"

6. Mama m-a invatat ce e CONTORSIONISMUL "Uita-te la murdaria de pe ceafa ta "

7. Mama m-a invatat ce e VREMEA "Camera ta arata de parca a trecut o tornada prin ea"

8. Mama m-a invatat ce e IPOCRIZIA "Daca ti-am zis o data, ti-am zis de un milion de ori: Nu exagera!"

9. Mama m-a invatat despre CICLICITATEA VIETII "Eu te-am facut, eu te omor!"

10. Mama m-a invatat despre SCHIMBAREA COMPORTAMENTULUI "Nu te mai comporta ca taica-tau"

11. Mama m-a invatat ce e INVIDIA "In lume sunt milioane de copii mai putin norocosi care nu au parintii la fel de minunati cum ai tu"

12. Mama m-a invatat ce e ASTEPTAREA "Asteapta numai pana ajungem acasa"

13. Mama m-a invatat ce inseamna A PRIMI "O sa ti-o primesti cand ajungem acasa"

14. Mama m-a invatat ce e UMORUL "Cand o sa-ti tai degetele de la picioare jucandu-te cu masina de tuns iarba, sa nu alergi plangand la mine"

15. Mama m-a invatat CUM SA DEVIN UN ADULT "Daca nu mananci legume, nu o sa mai cresti niciodata"

16. Mama m-a invatat ce e GENETICA "Esti exact ca taica-tau"

17. Mama m-a invatat despre ARBORELE MEU GENEALOGIC "Inchide usa dupa tine. Ti se pare ca te-ai nascut intr-un cort?"

18. Mama m-a invatat ce e INTELEPCIUNEA "Cand o sa fii de varsta mea, o sa intelegi"

19. Si preferata mea, mama m-a invatat ce e JUSTITIA "Intr-o buna zi, o sa ai si tu copii. Si sper ca o sa fie exact ca si tine"

Profesionalismul din ziua de azi....

2010-09-14T00:14:00.000+03:00

Preşedintele PSD, Victor Ponta, a declarat, mâine, că social-democraţii vor depune, astăzi, la Senat o moţiune simplă privind Sănătatea.

Romania, o tara de oameni-orchestra...

2010-09-05T21:18:00.003+03:00

Dupa o seara lunga cu multe discutii politematice, am avut dimineata ocazia sa ma intalnesc cu cineva care a enuntat din nou nemaipomenita expresie, "Romania, tara de cacat"...

Evident ca efectul a fost pe masura. Am incercat sa ii arat ca nu totul in Romania este pe cat de negru se vede la prima vedere... Am incercat sa ii arat ca poate trebuie sters geamul de praf si se vor vedea si culorile... M-am lovit insa de reticenta si am fost chiar numit copil... Poate ca asta este ultima definitie a patriotului roman... COPIL. Daca da, cu placere... in fond, cum imi spune mereu o prietena, niciodata sa nu lasam copilul din noi sa moara. Respectivul, o cunostinta de altfel foarte simpatica si o prezenta agreabila, a inceput subit sa fie priceput in administrarea bugetului de stat, management, justitie, educatie si economie... si evident politica. Poate nu chiar in ordinea asta si poate ca am omis vreun domeniu in care excela.

-Administrator al bugetului de stat - era contrariat ca in vreme de criza anumite aparate ale statului isi innoiesc parcul auto. Vina ministrilor spune el. Nu vroia sa creada ca tot este facut urmarind o ierarhie si ca cel mai propabil ministrii nu au decat informatiile finale, unele poate ireale. Intr-un final, tot invinovatind ministrii, a spus ca acestia ar trebui sa faca controale neanuntate mai dese... Chiar sa vrea, nu il vad pe Ministrul Sanatatii sa stea in fiecare spital, eventual dupa o usa, sa vada o eventuala mita primita de vreun doctor...

-Manager- I-am dat ca exemplu, o economie clara facuta la bugetul de stat prin trecerea de la parlament bicameral la unul unicameral, prin micsorarea numarului de parlamentari + aparatul aministrativ din spatele acestora (fara sa mai vorbim de eliberarea motorului legislativ si detensionarea birocratiei care si asa ne sufoca...) Rezultatul? Trebuia sa se inceapa de jos, pe verticala, urcand catre varful piramidei. Logic... Cand vrei sa iei un mar din varf, tai copacul...

-Economie. Fara sa le mai insirui pe celalte, ma voi opri la exemplul economic, intrucat atunci cand a fost problema scaderii cu 25% a salariilor bugetarilor, la el in institutie sindicatul nu a luat nicio masura. Scaderea a fost unul din efectelor nedisponibilizarii bugetarilor la momentul oportun. De ce au fost tinuti 20 de ani in aparatul de stat persoane care efectiv nu aveau ce face la munca? Doar din cauza reminiscentelor comuniste, in care toata lumea trebuia sa aibe un loc de munca? De ce fiecare nou prefect a mai infiintat niste posturi pentru omuletii lui, chiar daca acestia nu au facut decat sa ingreuneze buna functionare a aparatelor de stat? De ce am ajuns toti romanii sa avem groaza cand trebuie sa intram intr-o institutie publica? De ce s-au marit salariile doar de dragul maririi, cand suportul economic real exista doar in cartile de tarot ale mamei Omida? Si acum s-ar fi putut pastra nivelul salariilor, si s-ar fi putut trece la emisiunea de moneda... Ce frumos si usor ar fi fost... S-ar fi putut mari si salariile chiar. Dar pentru 10% crestere salariala ar fi fost Dumnezeu stie cat (mult mai mult de 15% in orice caz), inflatie. Si unde am fi ajuns? Intr-un nisip miscator perpetuu in care cu cat ne-am fi miscat, ne-am fi afundat?

Cred ca fiecare din noi ar trebui sa constientizam ca nu suntem chiar buni in toate ( oricat de ciudat, paradoxal si neverosimil ar suna) Adevarul este ca multi care nu sunt buni la nimic. Poate daca am lua un moment sa analizam la rece, sa ascultam persoanele care chiar se pricep, am ajunge la concluzia ca nu tot ce se face in tara este de mantuiala, si ca nu tot ce fac cei din conducere este prost.

Limba germana este simpla

2010-08-29T23:57:00.001+03:00

O persoana cunoscatoare a limbii latine, si obisnuita cu declinarile, o invata fara mari dificultati. Acest lucru, de altfel, este mentionat de profesorii de germana la inceputul fiecarui ciclu de studii.

Apoi se incepe cu studiul unor der, die, das, den, des, dem etc. si din nou se reaminteste ca tot restul este de o logica dezarmanta.

Ca sa ilustram ceea ce tocmai am afirmat, sa luam un exemplu practic.

Pentru inceput, cumparati Cartea de Limba Germana. Este un volum minunat, cu coperti cartonate, publicat la Dortmund si care povesteste despre obiceiurile Hotentotilor (auf Deutsch : Hottentotten).

In carte se povesteste cum cangurii (Beutelratten) sunt prinsi si inchisi in custi (Kotter), acoperite cu o tesatura (Lattengitter) care sa-i fereasca de ploi.

Aceste custi se numesc in germana "custi acoperite cu pinza" (Lattengitterkotter) si atunci cind contin un c

angur, ele sunt numite Lattengitterkotterbeutelratten.

Intr-o zi Hotentotii au arestat un asasin (Attentater), acuzat ca ar fi omorit o mama (Mutter) Hotentota (Hottentottenmutter), avind un fiu cam prostut si bilbiit (Stottertrottel).

O astfel de femeie se numeste in germana Hottentottenstottertrottelmutter iar asasinul ei este un Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentater.

Potera captureaza asasinul si il inchide provizoriu intr-o cusca pentru canguri (Beutelrattenlattengitterkotter), dar captivul evadeaza.

Imediat, toti pleaca in cautarea fugarului, si deodata, un razboinic Hotentot se intoarce strigind:

- Am prins asasinul (Attentater)!

- Da? care?, intreaba seful de trib.

- Pe Lattengitterkotterbeutelratterattentater, raspunde razboinicul.

- Cum adica, asasinul din cusca de canguri acoperita cu pinza? Intreaba seful Hotentotilor.

- Pai, -raspunde bastinasul- pe Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentater (Asasinul mamei hotentote a copilului prostut si bilbiit).

- A, asa, da! raspune seful Hotentotilor. Puteai sa zici de la inceput ca l-ai prins pe Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterlattengitterkotter beutelrattenattentater.

Dupa cum vedeti, limba germana este o limba simpla. Trebuie sa aveti doar un pic de bunavointa...

P.S. acesta nu e cel mai lung substantiv din limba germana, exista unele de lungime 90 litere

Tu sa fii sanatos!

Procent eronat

2010-07-24T12:04:00.002+03:00

Cineva mi-a spus, ieri chiar ca "85% din romani sunt cretini"...

L-am auzit astazi pe Basescu spunand ca romanii au un decalaj intre valori la nivel de declaratie si fapte. Nimic mai adevarat din pacate. Si atat timp cat vom arunca motanul dintr-o curte-n alta, lucrurile nu se vor schimba. Atat timp cat fiecare va avea impresia ca 85% din romani sunt cretini, dar intotdeauna el va fi in cei 15%, lucrurile se vor duce din lac in put...

Sunt curios cand vom vedea ca lucrurile se misca in adevaratul sens al cuvantului. Pentru ca sa fim seriosi... acum nu putem spune ca simtim din plin "dezvoltarea". E drept ca este criza, dar nu era criza in anii trecuti cand fondurile structurale ramaneau neatinse intr-un procent destul de ridicat...

Adevarul este ca procentul eronat este cel legat de patriotism... care tinde vertiginos catre 0 din pacate...

Domino ROMANIA

2010-07-16T20:58:00.011+03:00

Mi-am propus sa incep o serie de articole in care sa-mi vars of-urile legate de lucrurile care merg prost sau nu merg deloc in mica noastra tara. Pentru ca din pacate sunt mult. Si pentru ca personal m-am saturat sa aud la nesfarsit aceleasi replici seci... "asta-i viata, n-ai ce-i face!!!" sau "asta-i Romania"... Este drept ca asta-i Romania si ca fapt divers sunt foarte mandru ca asta este Romania.

Imi spunea cineva ca noi am fost "curva" Europei pentru ca peste noi au trecut toate natiile... Nu am putut sa-l contrazic...Dar am putut sa adaug ca pentru o tara care a avut dezavantajul pozitionarii geografice, am respins destul de bine invaziile strainilor. Si este de admirat ca am rezistat ca tara si ca natie.

Poate ca nu traim cele mai bune vremuri dar tocmai din acest motiv trebuie sa facem ceva, fiecare din noi, pentru a trece mai departe si a ne asigura ca peste cativa ani nu vom ajunge in acelasi loc in care suntem acum; sa ne ridicam fruntea si sa ne facem auzita vocea. Fiecare din noi putem face ceva. Oricat de putin ajuta. Si prima modificare trebuie facuta in mentalitate. In mentalitatea fiecaruia care considera ca nu este el cel care va putea schimba ceva... Tocmai ca fara el nu se va schimba nimic. O sticla aruncata la cos si nu pe strada, un raspuns politicos in locul unuia plin de venin, un ajutor dat unui necunoscut sunt numai cateva din lucrurile care nu ne-ar costa nimic personal, dar care altora le-ar face poate ziua mai frumoasa.

Dupa cum spuneam, in seria articolelor, voi posta micile lucrurile pe care le-am facut sau pe care mi-as dori sa le fac pentru o Romanie mai buna. Stiu ca nu am decat cateva persoane care imi citesc blogul, dar poate ca putin ajutor, reusim sa facem ceva, impreuna. Pentru noi... pentru Romania.

O prima experienta neplacuta de care m-am lovit si pe care vreau sa o impartasesc a fost astazi cand, mergand sa-mi schimb cartea de identitate, m-am lovit de birocratia tipic romaneasca. Trecand peste acest aspect ( imi propun sa dezbat mai pe larg subiectul), mi s-a spus ca pentru schimbarea buletinului, proprietarul imobilului pe adresa caruia se va elibera cartea de indentitate trebuie sa isi dea consimtamantul si sa confirme ca locuiesc la acea adresa. Altfel spus, tata a trebuit sa semneze ca imi da voie sa intru si sa stau in casa parinteasca !!! Sa spunem ca nu suntem absurzi si intelegem acele abuzuri in care copiii isi bat parinti si acestia din urma nu ii mai doresc in casa... Dar tinand cont ca in peste 95% din cazuri (poate si mai bine), sunt doar niste tineri de 23-24 de ani carora le-a expirat cartea de identitate, nu ar trebui oare sa fie invers? Nu ar trebui ca orice om sa poata merge linistit la politie pentru eliberarea actului de identitate si in cazul in care, parintii nu-l mai doresc in spatiu, acestia sa mearga (evident nu in acelasi timp) si sa declare acest lucru? Carcotasii ar spune ca poate copilul il/ii poate bate pe parinte/parinti... dar nu poate face acelasi lucru in caz ca acesta refuza sa semneze?!?

Un film deosebit

2010-07-09T00:27:00.000+03:00

Mai greu se gasesc filme bune in ultima vreme... am reusit sa gasesc unul...

Conditia Umana

2010-06-15T23:21:00.004+03:00

Vorbeam zilele trecute cu cineva de conditia umana si de cat de schimbatori sunt oamenii in general. Lucru care nu este deloc nou; usurinta cu care putem sa luam anumite decizii bazandu-ne pe argumente pur egoiste este poate cel mai elocvent exemplu. Ne schimbam astfel parerile de la o zi la alta, fara prea mari dificultati, fara sa tinem cont ca poate intr-o masura sau mai mica persoanele din jurul nostru sunt direct afectate. Si fara sa ne dam seama ca poate le ranim sau le dezamagim. Este drept ca in viata cotidiana vom avea multe dezamagiri, dar daca putem sa facem in asa fel incat sa evitam atingerea punctului in care cineva va fi deziluzionat, de ce n-am face-o?!?

Am realizat de asemenea ca ai de invatat multe lucruri de la persoane de la care te astepti mai putin. Evident ca nici acest lucru nu reprezinta ultima descoperire in domeniul filozofic... Este insa foarte bine cand gasim o astfel de persoana care poate in mod involuntar iti aduce la cunostinta anumite aspecte ale personalitatii tale pe care le uitasei sau de a caror existenta nu erai constient.

Un filmulet dragut

2010-04-30T10:50:00.001+03:00

Pasii timpului

2010-03-19T22:23:00.013+02:00

Nu stiu cum este sa fii rege. Cred ca multi ne-am gandit cand eram copii cum ar fost daca am fi fost un cap incoronat. Cate lucruri am fi facut sau ce vieti am fi trait. Era meseria noastra in calitate de copii...sa visam. Unele visele devin realitate; altele nu...
Sa stiu cum ar fi sa fi fost rege nu voi stii niciodata. Dar, mergand pe urmele lui Ludovic al XIV-lea, plimbandu-ma pe piata cu marmura a palatului Versailles, am simtit o secunda cum este sa ai tot ce-ti doresti. Pentru ca acolo, odata trecute gardurile frumos imbodobite cu fier forjat aurit, timpul s-a oprit... S-a oprit in secolul XVIII, la balurile organizate de Ludovic al XV-lea. Inca se pot vedea urmele pasilor Madamei de Pompadour, inca se mai poate auzi gloata manioasa intrata in curtea palatului cautandu-i pe Ludovic al XVI-lea si Maria Antoaneta.
Gandurile din orele petreceute vizitand palatul par ireale... Simpla prezenta a tablourilor pe pereti, simpla vedere a cardinalului Richelieu, unul dintre cei mai bogati oameni ai Frantei din toate timpurile si primul prim-ministru al tuturor timpurilor in postura sa sobra din tablou te fac sa calci mai atent pe marmura bine ingrijita. Pe masura ce treci din camera in camera, pe masura ce faci cunostinta cu familia regala si curtea regilor Frantei, ai impresia ca iti lipseste ceva, ca esti imbracat necorespunzator pentru o vizita la palat. Spatele iti este deja tot timpul drept, postura statuara la fel, dar iti lipsesc hainele corespunzatoare gradului ierarhic...
Salon dupa salon te intrebi unde este regele cu alaiul sau... Treci prin salonul inchinat zeului Apollo, unde se afla tronul, ajungi in holul oglinzilor dar nici urma... Mergi inspre apartamentul sau... In salonul lui Mercur patul este gol... Pesemne ca regele este in salonul reginei... Probabil a plecat prin multitudinea de pasaje secrete ce se deschid in spatele peretilor camerelor. Dar nici in salonul reginei nu este nimeni... Numai basorelieful imparatesei Maria Tereza si tabloul Regelui Ludovic al XVI-lea, care pazesc parca patul regal de privirile indiscrete.
Ne indreptam inspre gradini. Poate avem mai mult noroc...
Timpul trece si noi ne pierdem numarul pasilor pe potecile batute de timp si istorie... O pajiste de ghiocei ne aduce aminte ca a venit primavara... Se lasa seara si numai sunetul unei masini ne reaminteste ca pentru cateva ore am inselat timpul, devenind contemporani cu era rochiilor bufante, etichetei stricte si intrigilor de curte...

Comunicarea la nivel ierarhic

2010-03-11T18:48:00.000+02:00

NOTA de la Directorul General catre Directorii Executivi:

“Astazi la ora 11 va fi o eclipsa totala de soare, care va fi observabila timp de doua minute. Avand in vedere ca acesta este un eveniment rar si cu totul deosebit, se permite tuturor angajatilor observarea eclipsei din parcarea firmei intre orele 10:30 si 11:30, unde vom oferi si o scurta explicatie despre dinamica eclipselor. Celor care doresc sa observe eclipsa le vor fi distribuiti ochelari de protectie, la un pret minim.”

NOTA de la Directorii Executivi catre Directorii de Directie:

“Astazi între orele 10:30 si 11:30 toti salariatii se vor intalni in parcare. Va urma o eclipsa totala de soare, care va dispare timp de doua minute. In schimbul unei sume minime, se poate proteja vederea cumparand o pereche de ochelari speciali pentru eclipsa. Directorul general va tine o scurta cuvantare, prin care ne va da anumite explicatii. Acest lucru nu se petrece in fiecare zi si este un eveniment foarte important.”

NOTA de la unul din Directorii de Directie catre Seful de Serviciu:

“Azi Directorul General va tine o cuvantare despre eclipsa, timp in care va face sa dispara soarele timp de doua minute. Acesta este un lucru care nu se poate vedea in fiecare zi, asa ca toata lumea sa mearga in parcare incepind de pe la 10, pina pe la 11.. In schimbul unei mici sume de bani, veti avea ochelari de protectie.”

NOTA de la Seful de Serviciu catre Seful de Birou:

“Vreo 10 sau 11 persoane sa mearga in parcare, unde Directorul General va tine o eclipsa de soare timp de doua minute. Acest lucru n-o sa se intimple in fiecare zi si cei care iesiti sa aveti niste bani pregatiti, pentru ca o sa va coste. Si sa aveti ochelarii cu voi.”

Seful de Birou catre angajati:

“Cativa dintre cei care poarta ochelari, sa mearga in parcare, ca sa vada cum dispare Directorul General timp de doua minute. Daca vreti ca asta sa se intample zilnic, trebuie sa strangem niste bani !”

De la Marea Neagra la Marea Manecii

2010-02-20T22:42:00.011+02:00

Am plecat in prima noastra excursie. Dupa multe cercetari, gandiri si razgandiri, dupa ce am pacalit fetele ca Horje nu vine cu noi ci numai ne conduce, la ora 10:04 am pornit inspre Deauville. Pe peronul garii, exact inainte de plecare, am fost placut impresionat cand Larisa si Horje mi-au facut cadou un lucru foarte frumos: un scorpion prins intr-o rasina. A urmat o ora de drum cu trenul, perioada care a trecut repede intrucat am jucat Machu Pichu, un joc destul de pueril, perfect pentru noi; o ora jumatate de asteptat in gara, timp in care am cantat si am dansat si o alta jumatate de ora pana am ajuns in Deauville. Un oras micut, cu iesire la Marea Manecii. Acolo am vazut pentru prima data marea.
Este un orasel cochet, exact ca in filme. Are un mic golfulet in care merg iahturile la adocat. "Tres mignon", pentru a vorbi in limba localnicilor. Oraselul este de asemenea vestit pentru cazinoul sau. Un loc destul luxos si frumos aranjat. Evident ca nu am intrat pentru ca nu aveam nici tinuta si nici capitalul necesar... Ne-am lasat BMW-ul X6 la camin si cardurile in masina, asa ca am preferat sa mergem pe plaja. O imagine mirifica... Marea la poalele dealurilor pe care sunt construite case in stil normand, de toate marimile si de toate culorile. Intr-adevar un loc iesit din comun. Toate locurile bine intretinute, si mereu semnalizate prin afise cu harta localitatii sau semne.
Este si un hipodrom in localitate, destul de mare, care din pacate isi incepe ativitatea in luna martie, prin urmare nu l-am putut vedea decat din afara.
Dupa un drum lung si destul de obositor, am ajuns acasa unde Raluca ne-a facut o delicioasa supa de legume, lucru la care ne-am gandit tot drumul de intoarcere. Am ajuns toti la concluzia ca fara ea ar fi tras cainii de noi...

Secta romanilor

2010-02-15T13:19:00.006+02:00

Intr-una din serile trecute, stand de vorba cu Andreea, fata din Cluj, si spunandu-i ca mai vin inca doi romani pe marti, am primit raspunsul ca devenim o secta. Este foarte adevarat. De fapt, daca ma gandesc mai bine, peste tot pe unde am fost, am fost cei mai multi. Din pacate... Si tot din pacate nu prea gasim francezi. Si din aceasta cauza eu sunt foarte frustat. Si am ajuns sa ii frustrez si pe ceilalti. Probabil ca s-au saturat sa ma auda ca vreau sa vorbesc franceza si ca trebuie sa stam mai mult pe langa ei.

Pe de alta parte, aproape in fiecare seara ne-am adunat la cineva in camera sa "Bem ceva, mancam ceva?"... Raluca ne-a facut o tochitura si o supa, Larisa niste pastai cu sos si o mamaliga de barabule. Horje si el a gasit o tochitura cu piure. Eu am facut desertul. Clatitele... Nu este seara sa nu stam macar cate o ora la cineva in camera pentru o portie strasnica de ras pe baza evenimentelor din cursul zilei.
Ieri am realizat ca suntem putin cam risipitori si ca ar trebui sa punem frau cheltuielilor incat in ritmul acesta nu vom mai avea bani pentru a vizita nimic. Norocul nostru este ca intrarea la musee este gratuita pentru studenti. La majoritatea cel putin.
Intrucat avem vacanta ne-am hotarat sa mergem sa vizitam un oras din apropiere. Intrucat nu stim nici unul, nu stim in ce directie sa apuca. Cel mai probabil este ca vom ajunge undeva la mare.

Ne-am mai gandit la o sursa de venit... Intrucat suntem convinsi ca ne-ar prinde bine un ban in plus. Initial am spus sa facem un xerox, intrucat cel din campus este de 5 ori mai scump decat in tara. Sau un magazin la parterul caminului. Apoi ne-am dat seama ca nu am apuca sa il deschidem pana sa fim legati. Ne-am mai gandit apoi la o modalitate de "bisnita": CARTOFII PRAJITI. Sa cumparam o friteuza din carrefour si sa prajim cartofii. Apoi sa ii vindem in camin. Intrebarea a fost cine i-ar cumpara dat fiind ca majoritatea vin din Maroc si prefera ceapa calita...
O alta modalitate ar fi vanzarea alimentelor duminica intrucat aici TOATE magazinele sunt inchise duminica. Nu am avut de unde sa ne cumparam o bere ieri (duminica), sa serbam lasatul secului...
Si apropo de economii, cand am fost prima oara in Carrefour, pe 3 februarie, mi-am cumparat cea mai avantajoasa paine: o punga cu 20 de paini cu 1.85 euro... Ultima paine am mancat-o ieri, 14 februarie... Nu era inca verde, doar beton. a trebuit sa o inmoi pentru a putea musca din ea...
Si in sfarsit ma pot lauda si eu cu frigider... A fost destul de greu sa fac rost, pentru ca este cam ilegala metoda, dar... Al lui Horje este mai mare putin decat al meu si el a fost mai precaut..."L-a" legat cu o sfoara pentru a nu aluneca cumva...

Le premier jour d'ecole

2010-02-08T23:03:00.006+02:00

Prima zi de scoala a fost un experiment bizar... Am fost toti studentii romani (4) de la economie la facultate, sa ne aranjam orarul si sa mergem eventual la cursuri. Celor care se plang de orarele din Romania, cea mai buna pedeapsa ar fi o bursa de mobilitate. Este groaznic sa ai trei pagini de cursuri la alegerre si sa nu stii pe care sa il alegi sau care se echivaleaza mai bine... In orice caz, dupa ce am constatat ca iti trebuie o facultate ca sa citesti un orar si sa iti faci niste cursuri, am intrat intr-o sala de clasa. Tot cursul m-am gandit la un singur lucru. UAIC este prima universitate din tara si pe locul 413 in lume. Universitatea la care sunt ajuns este abia pe pozitia 1300... Si totusi amfiteatrele sunt net superioare... Intr-adevar, numai amfiteatrele si conditiile didactice. Pentru ca materia in sine este destul de superficiala. Am priceput destul de multe lucruri, tinand cont ca sunt de doar 5 zile aici. Oricum cursurile sunt destul de logice si profesorii sunt foarte rabdatori. Mult prea rabdatori dupa parerea mea. Cat voi invata pentru facultate imi va tine de urat Sena... se vede din camera mea...

In alta ordine de idei, am vizitat Carrefour-ul. De doua ori deja... Vorba unui prieten de-al meu, cred ca voi deveni actionar acolo...

UAIC in Franta...

2010-02-07T11:22:00.015+02:00

Noapte dinainte mi-am luat la revedere de la prieteni. Nu am dormit... Am stat treaz pana cand mi-a plecat trenul. Era frig si ploua marunt. Noroc ca nu am fost singur in gara... Am adormit putin pe tren, inconstient parca de drumul pe care am plecat. La Bucuresti m-a asteptat Placintescu. Ne-am plimbat si am depanat amintiri... Am dormit putin dupa-amiaza. In Bucuresti ningea puternic, poate si din cauza asta... Am mai iesit seara in oras o data, sa ma vad cu o prietena din Sulina.O data in plus am vazut cat de mica este lumea... Prietenul ei fusese coleg de facultate cu Placintescu... Seara am mai vorbit putin pana sa pic intr-un somn destul de obosit in care pierdeam avionul pentru ca ma rataceam in Bucuresti sau nu ajungeam la timp.
Prima calatorie cu avionul ar fi fost perfecta daca niste personaje iesite din fosa evolutiei nu ar fi facut zborul usor "picant". Am asteptat putin in gara pentru trenul nostru, suficient cat sa procesez schimbarile. In tren ne-am intalnit cu Andreea. O colega din Cluj care studiaza economia si va fi un semestru cu noi in Rouen. In Rouen am orbecait putin pana am gasit campusul si caminul nostru. Cladirea nu se numeste cum am gasit-o pe site, prin urmare un student nu stia unde sa ne trimita. Abia in momentul in care i-am spus ca stam la cel mai ieftin camin a priceput si ne-a condus.
Vederea camerei a speriat-o pe Andreea, m-a amuzat pe mine, l-a uimit pe George. Caminele din Iasi sunt net superioare celor de aici. Atat din punct de vedere financiar, cat si al conditiilor. Stam singuri in camera ce-i drept, dar camera arata ca o rezerva de spital. Este suficient pentru om totusi. Avem si dulap, si masa si chiar chiuveta. Este drept ca sunt din perioada interbelica cel mai probabil, dar decat nimic... Baile si dusurile sunt pe etaj. Surprinzator, dar aici totul este impecabil si ireprosabil. La orice ora din zi sau noapte toaletele sunt in stare de functionare... si este un miros placut de flori. In camin toata lumea se saluta, indiferent de culoare, natie, stare materiala, doctrina relogioasa etc. Este foarte simpatic, desi ciudat la inceput.
Mi-am aranjat camera astfel incat prietenii mei si familia sa vada mereu ce fac. Ii am pe toti, si ii port pe rand:)
Am facut o mica serata la mine in camera a doua seara si l-am invitat si Vincent, un student din camin cu noi care se pare ca este foarte sociabil.
Au mai fost doua seri de petreceri pentru Erasmus in urmatoare doua seri, dar din punctul nostru de vedere au fost niste adunari. Ne-am cunoscut cu Çag, un turc din Istambul si o colega de-a lui, Borçu. Am ras foarte mult pe marginea "petrecerii"intrucat nu exista muzica si luminile erau aprinse. A...si stateam in bucatarie. A fost foarte comic. La a doua petrecere, era ziua unui italian, si am fost intr-un pub, in care cea mai ieftina bere era 4.2 euro... Stella Artois. Foarte mult tinand cont ca in magazin este 0.5 euro doza. Am iesit si in oras. Am vizitat centrul istoric. Totul este ca in secolul 17. Case frumos decorate, colorate si bine intretinute. Este incredibil sa te plimbi pe poteca timpului. In centru, este catedrala arhidiocesei din Rouen, construita in stil gotic. Pentru vizitarea acesteia nu este necesar sa se platesca, precum in alte tari ... Un alt lucru interesant este ca aici sunt afisate pe un tabel minutele ramase pana la urmatoarea cursa. Si sunt respectate. Este intr-adevar o economie de energie si nervi comparativ cu urbele noastre. Am fost de asemenea in piata in care Ioana d'Arc a fost arsa pe rug. Este foarte interesant, cat de mare era. Si parcarile din campus la fel. La noi ar fi fost transformate in mall.
Am luat si prima teapa din cauza apei de la canal care este foarte dura. Prin urmare am hotarat sa imi cumpar o crema de maini. Cum nu cunosc foarte bine marcile si ingredientele, ma plimbam printre rafturi in Carrefour precum o cartita. Am trecut pe langa L'Oreal si celelalte cunoscute, care erau 5 euro. M-am oprit unde am vazut 1.5 euro. La casa am aflat cu stupoare ca 1.5 euro era reducerea...din 8.3 cat era pretul intreg. Prin urmare am o crema de maini cu care imi este mila sa ma dau.

Si-n Sulina exista stele!

2009-12-03T13:18:00.001+02:00

O prietena foarte draga si foarte talentata, din mica urbe candva numita Europolis...

Viata anterioara

2009-12-02T23:22:00.006+02:00

Sa privim in trecut aici Ce forme am prins in vietile anterioare...

Intr-o viata anterioara am fost
Sinucigas

Si se mai ridica un zid

2009-09-19T13:49:00.001+03:00

Cat suntem de ROMANI?!?

2009-08-29T18:56:00.005+03:00

Sunt 52% român.
Testul zice aşa:

Eşti frate cu dracul, iar puntea e viaţa. Ţi-e bine în România că ştii că altundeva nu te-ai descurca. Dacă ţi s-ar da bani, ai şi arbora un steag de ziua naţională. Când vorbeşti cu străinii devii şi mai patriot decât de obicei şi începi să le spui despre Brâncuşi şi Duckadam chiar dacă nu-ţi place nici pictura, nici handbalul. Nu asculţi manele, dar după ce te îmbeţi, parcă merg. Îţi place să-i corectezi pe alţii când greşesc. Şpaga e prietena ta bună. (51 - 70 de puncte)

Fă şi tu testul aici.

Pentru cei cu viata calculata la minut...

2009-08-16T14:18:00.001+03:00

Rabdare si talent

2009-07-06T11:38:00.000+03:00

Oameni cu imaginatie

2009-07-05T13:58:00.000+03:00

Alienare

2009-06-24T21:18:00.003+03:00

Nu sunt nici pe departe singurul care spune mai are o chemare si pleaca in lumea lui. E de inteles... defapt, abia acum inteleg de ce unii spun ca ar pleca in padure... traiesc sentimentul de cateva zile bune. As pleca undeva, oriunde, sa nu mai stiu de nimeni si nimeni sa nu mai stie de mine. Poate ca in timp m-as intoarce. Dupa ce mi-as limpezi putin gandurile. Dupa ce as intelege ce anume ar trebui sa fac, si cum, pentru a fi cat de cat bine. Am un prieten care spune ca se trezeste degeaba. Am o prietena foarte buna cu care rad si cu care am ajuns la concluzia ca de 22 de ani ne-am trezit degeaba. Poate nu chiar degeaba, ci pentru a face umbra pamantului. Si desi este trist, asta este concluzia la care am ajuns, si care se intareste cu fiecare zi care trece. Evident ca este o perioada trecatoare, dar nu ma pot abtine din a ma intreba "CUM?". Cum sa fac sa treaca mai repede? Nu ma ajunta nici ideile acelea filosofice conform carora treci prin incercari pentru a ajunge in varf sau care imi spun ca atat timp cat sunt optimist nu am cum sa nu izbutesc cumva... Chiar nu cred. Sunt pesimist, si lumea in care traiesc ma face din ce in ce mai pesimist. Evident, daca mai are din ce. Pentru ca mai devreme sau mai tarziu atingi limita de jos, dupa care nu mai ai asteptari, dupa care nu te mai mira nimic, dupa care privesti totul distant si oarecum indiferent. Nu stiu cat mai am pana sa ating limita. Dar nu mi-as dori sa fie prea curand. Sau sa fie cineva pe langa...

La multi ani...vaco!!!

2009-05-29T13:01:00.007+03:00

Fata, cum trece timpul... te-ai babit aproape de tot. Si nu ne-am mai vazut de un car de ani. Sa vazi cum s-au schimbat lucrurile pe aici. Sa radem de clatita timpului si sa ne ametim dintr-o bere. Sa vorbim mult si fara sens. Sa te sperii de carcalacii din bucataria mea si sa radem unul de rasul altuia pana simtit ca pocnim...
Dar nu asta este ideea... cu totul altul este scopul pentru care aceste randuri iti sunt dedicate.
Iddea este sa iti spun "La multi ANI!!!"...vaco:D... si acum evident ca vor incepe urarile:
Iti doresc sa fii la fel de fericita atunci cand radeam in barca ca facem un miliard de poze "si asa....si asa..."
Iti urez sa fii la fel de sanatoasa (fizic ca psihic n-ai sanse) ca atunci cand dansam la revelion sau la 1 mai.
Sper sa ramai la fel de desteapta ca atunci cand mi-ai facut albumul de ziua mea si ai pus pe coperta "clatita timpului".
Vreau sa ai mereu aceeasi energie pe care o aveai la munte cand faceai dus si udai toata baia de sus pana jos, inclusiv tavanul:D.
Vreau sa ramai la fel de sincera ca in multitudinea de mesaje frumoase care mi le-ai trimis si pe care le pastrez.
Si in final, vreau sa iti urez, (vaco), sa te sufoc mereu cum te sufocam la Linia Verde...
LA MULTI ANI!!!

P.S. Tot timpul cat l-am facut, mi-ai tinut de urat pe mess.

Tacere

2009-05-17T22:48:00.003+03:00

Cam asta este treaba... Nu o sa stim vreodata adevarul. Nu conteaza sa ne complicam existenta. Indiferent ce facem sau cum facem, oricum ajungem tot la 2 metri adancime... asta daca nu avem norocul sa fim ingropati in cavou, lucru care presupune ca suntem un fel de "VIP".
As fi tare curios sa vad cum ar decurge inmormantarea mea. Sunt convins ca mai mult de... 8 oameni din afara familiei nu ar veni. 8... e foarte mult. Ma simt implinit sa pot spune ca la inmormantarea mea vor fi 8 oameni. Pentru ca stiu ca cei care vor veni vor veni intradevar pentru mine. Nu vor veni din mila, din fericire ca am murit sau poate, cine stie din invidie... vor veni pur si simplu pentru ca au pierdut un prieten. Si cu toata valva aferenta, risc sa spun ca sunt prieten pentru aceste persoane. Sunt poate cele mai dragi din viata mea, sunt poate singurele care ma inteleg... Carora nu trebuie sa le explic de ce vreau sa fac sau nu ceva, sunt cei carora vreau sau nu sa le explic de ce nu ies in oras. Probabil ca ceea ce ne-a apropiat nu este iesirea in oras, ci tocmai perioada care se scurge intre zilele sau orele in care ne vedem. Si totusi nu este nevoie de nimic in plus, nu este nevoie de un comentariu, de un amanunt... Totul este de-a gata. Continuam de unde am lasat ultima data discutia, zambind, razand, neavand griji pentru ziua de maine atat timp cat suntem impreuna.

Asta ne e tineretul

2009-05-13T23:40:00.003+03:00

Procesiune...stelara

2009-05-03T23:08:00.002+03:00

Joc

2009-04-30T00:39:00.002+03:00

Un fel de test, fara raspunsuri corecte sau gresite si fara interpretari. Gasit in mod absolut neintentionat pe marele ocean virtual

Completam cu ce dorim daca ar fi sa fim:

O FLOARE: lalea
UN ANOTIMP: toamna
O CULOARE: negru (nonculoare)
UN ANIMAL: corb
UN OBIECT VESTIMENTAR: Costum
O PIESA DE MOBILIER: scrin
UN VERS: " Ci eu in lumea mea me simt/ Nemuritor si rece"
UN PEISAJ: padure inainte de ploaie
UN OBIECT: o poza
UN INSTRUMENT MUZICAL: vioara
UN COPAC: nuc
UN ORAS: atlantida
O PERSOANA PUBLICA: papa
O CARTE: un veac de singuratate
UN FEL DE MANCARE: tortilla
UN SUPEREROU: Sf. Mihail.:)
UN FENOMEN AL NATURII: O furtuna
UN FRUCT: o nuca de cocos
O PARTE A CORPULUI: mana
O MELODIE: Soldier of fortune - Deep Purple

Oare la cati seamana raspunsurile?!?

2009-04-13T22:17:00.006+03:00

7 miliarde de oameni pe pamant... sec... cifra care pentru unii egaleaza averea in RON sau pentru cei fericiti in euro...altii nici macar nu stiu sa scrie o asa suma. Cand ne gandim ca pe langa noi mai sunt 7 miliarde minus un om, ni se pare ca brusc devenim insignifianti; minusculi, precum un fir de nisip dintr-o clepsidra. Suntem cantitate neglijabila pentru absolut orice recensamant sau sondaj. Si-atunci ce ne deosebeste de persoana care sta in fata noastra in autobuz sau persoana de care ne lovim pe holul facultatii? Soarta...Norocul... norocul de a ne naste intre cei 20 la suta care au acces la apa potabila spre exemplu, lucru care deja ne situeaza deasupra a 5,6 miliarde de oameni. Si deodata parca nu mai suntem atat de mici... Ne detasam din infinitul de fire de nisip din clepsidra. Devenim unul din firele de praf care se depun pe sticla slefuita, refuzand sa picam in camera de jos doar pentru ca asta ne este menirea sau pentru ca am vazut ca asa trebuie sa se intample. Si atunci luam o secunda timp de gandire... ce noroc am avut ca nu am picat cu celelalte fire. Sau asa a fost Soarta. Aceeasi Soarta care, daca este suficient de binevoitoare, ne situeaza in cei aproximativ 1 la suta din poulatie cu diploma de studii. Un fior ne zguduie si auzim un scrasnet. Starea de hipnoza provocata de meditatie ne-a incastrat in geam; acum suntem una cu clepsidra si prin mica crapatura pe care am provocat-o incercam sa evadam dincolo de transhumanta dintre cele doua camere ale clepsidrei. Suntem oare avantajati de Soarta, sau este o stare efemera? Ce se intampla cu noi atunci cand oricat de surazatoare este Soarta, isi face aparitia Ghinionul sau Discordia? Atunci cand oricat de priceputi am fi sau oricat de bine pregatiti pentru un lucru, nu suntem luati in seama sau suntem inlaturati pentru ca reprezentam o amenintare pentru altcineva? In acel moment stratul de sticla crapa si cedeaza de la mica crapatura facuta de noi si clepsidra trece intr-o stare amorfa, devenind un lucru abstract. Iar noi... noi picam liber, intrebandu-ne ce a distrus starea de bine pe care o aveam, cadere care se opreste in momentul in care atingem universul de fire de nisip ale clepsidrelor sparte inainte de noi, loc in care ne pierdem si in care ne alaturam cu sau fare voie... Si devenim minusculi, alaturi de alte 7 miliarde de fire de nisip.

IBAF...D

Nedumerire

2009-03-11T15:55:00.004+02:00

Se spune de mai mult timp ca "Rau cu rau dar mai rau fara rau"... Cat de adevarat este oare acest proverb?!? Si la ce rau se refera? Defapt... ce inseamna rau?!? Putem da o definitie exacta pentru un cuvant atat de banal dar care tine ascuns in spatele sau o subiectivitate de mii de ani?!? Dictionarul il defineste ca fiind acel adjectiv care exprima ceva "Care are însuşiri negative; lipsit de calităţi pozitive". Simplu, rudimentar... Probabil insasi definitia este creata astfel incat psihicul nostru sa poate zburda liber in constiinta fiecaruia pentru a-i gasi acestui imfam trubadur un loc. Evident ca fiecare il va pune in cu totul alt loc decat cel de langa. Pana si cele mai banale expresii "vreme rea", "mancare rea", sunt interpretate altfel de fiecare persoana in parte. Probabil ca intr-un fel sau altul fiecare se ascunde in spatele acestui cuvant in momentul in care ajunge intr-un impas. Intr-o cearta intre doi prieteni, fiecare il va vedea pe celalalt rau prin prizma sa, chiar daca sunt luate in considerare aceleasi fapte. Profesorul va fi rau pentru ca are o animozitate fata de noi, locul de munca va fi rau pentru ca nu se ridica la nivelul asteptarilor, chiar daca privind din exterior, profesul a pus o nota mica pentru ca nu era complet raspunsul sau locul de munca nu ne satisface pentru ca nu am stiut sa ne adaptam. Sunt situatii des intalnite cand fiecare din noi ajunge sa fie numit rau. Dar oare acest cuvant este adresat cu rautate, sau ascunde in spate ura? Probabil ca abia atunci ar fi o problema. Pentru ca de cele mai multe ori, cuvantul este adresat cu o alta tenta... "Nu fii rau" care este defapt o rugaminte la toleranta, "Ai fost rau cu mine" anagramare pentru "As fi vrut sa-mi fi alaturi". Si evident...intrebarea putem sa masuram in grade, note, niveluri, calificative marimea rautatii cuiva? Nu... Nici macar o singura persoana nu poate spune de altcineva ca este 8 rau pe o scara de la 1 la 10 pentru ca nu am stii cu ce sa comparam, sau comparatia devine nula cand se schimba subiectul la care raportam... E trist...pentru ca in definitiv traim intr-o lume...REA.

Rezumat

2009-02-04T18:21:00.006+02:00

Cum ar fi daca am putea rezuma o intreaga relatie pe care o avem cu cineva, un cumul de trairi si sentimente care ne leaga, un amalgam de amintiri si o epopee de intamplari intr-un cuvant? Oare s-ar putea? S-ar putea gasi un cuvant care sa exprime ceea ce simtim cand vine vorba de celalalt? Oricat de mult ne-am chinui sa pecetluim un moment probabil ca nu am reusi suficient de bine. Sunt acele momente in care am simtit ca timpul trece mult prea repede pentru ca ne simtim extraordinar chiar daca nu discutam ceva anume sau ceva important si sunt acele momente in care avem impresia ca suntem lasati in voia sortii, de izbanda, in care ne simtim dezamagiti sau tradati. Raman deopotriva in amintire. Fie ca ne trezesc un zambet sau provoaca un oftat, ni le amintim. Poate ca acele clipe in care am simtit ca putem apela unul la altul fara cea mai mica urma de indoiala, sau de retinere in care ne gandeam ca deranjam. Trecatoare... amintiri, impasuri pe care le-am avut dar pe care le-am infruntat si trecut...impreuna. Impreuna... ar putea fi un cuvant potrivit pentru trairile efemere apuse si prezente. Dar pentru viitor? Un cuvant care sa desemneze deopotriva vremurile ofilite si cele care abia incoltesc cu fiecare rasarit de soare? Eternitate... termenul perfect. Un cuvant cu un termen atat de larg si totusi atat de vag incat numai traindu-l in adevaratul sens al cuvantului il putem intelege. O vorba care cuprinde orice alta unitate de timp intre inceput si sfarsit. Si un punct in care, cum o clepsidra nu poate exista fara cele doua, noi nu am putea exista unul fara celalalt.

Dedidacat, cu ocazia a doi ani de la un mesaj memorabil, unei persoane care m-a schimbat in bine in decursul timpului.

Introspectie

2009-02-04T00:00:00.003+02:00

Un minut... o camera goala...un bec stins...un scaun gol. Te asezi in tacerea sepulcrala pe scaun si meditezi. Contemplezi la lucrurile care se intampla in jurul tau. La femeia care era sa piarda astazi autobuzul in statie, la cum nu ai putut sa nu zambesti cand a cazut baiatul cu bicicleta. Te intrebi daca lumea mai este atenta la ce se intampla in jurul ei, sau am devenit niste pseudoblesii fuziforme care ne miscam necontrolat in oceanul de ciment din oras. Cati din cei care sunt pe strada intr-o zi au probleme, si cati pot spune ca sunt fericiti? Te gandesti apoi cat de fericit esti tu... Se poate si mai bine . Intotdeauna se poate. Daca oamenii nu ar fi un paradox, ar fi mai usor, mai bine. Dar cand sesizezi diferenta intre privire si glas, intre gest si ton, nu poti sa nu te gandesti de ce nu suntem mai sinceri unii cu altii, de ce evitam sa dam raspunsuri sau sa punem intrebari. Probabil este firea fiecaruia sa incercam sa ne protejam, sa ne adaptam maniheismului. Problema intervine in momentul in care ne dam seama ca simturile ne joaca feste, realitatea este transformata si devine difuza, ideile inceteaza sa mai treaca prin filtrul ratiunii. Apoi in minte iti vin prietenii; iti scapa un zambet. Mereu aproape cand ai nevoie. Ai uneori impresia ca stiu ce e mai bine pentru tine decat stii tu... Si acel sentiment te face...fericit. Si iti dai seama... nu poti fi mai fericit decat acum... In definitiv, un citat apocrif spune "Drumul spre iad e pavat cu intentii bune"

Sirag de perle

2009-01-24T02:19:00.005+02:00

Cat de frumoasa este o perla... alba sau galbena, cenusie sau roz, aceasta mica sfera incita orice persoana care o priveste indiferent de sex, varsta, culoare sau religie. Oricine si-ar dori sa aibe macar una, pe care sa o pretuiasca, sa o expuna in ocazii deosebite sau cu care sa impresioneze prietenii. Insa formarea unei perle dureaza... ani, secole, milenii. O perioada de timp infinita comparativ cu viata efemera a omului. Si este normal dat fiind ca produsul reprezinta perfectiunea; nicio zgarietura, nicio deformatie. O sfera perfecta, sidefata, cu singurul scop de a incanta.
Cati insa din cei care au ocazia sa admire o perla, sa se joace cu ea reflectand lumina in culorile curcubeului s-au intrebat cum a luat nastere?! Cum scoica a stat nemiscata luptandu-se cu valurile apei pentru creearea perfectiunii? Cati din cei care si-au pus intrabarea primordiala stiu ca suprafata impecabila a perlei ascunde o suferinta? Suferinta organismului in jurul caruia s-a creat capodopera? Pentru ca in definitiv, in sensul strict, perla este o depunere de sedimente in jurul unui intrus in interiorul scoicii. Iar aceasta din urma, nu face altceva decat sa ii curme suferinta, inmarmurind-ul si aparand-ul cu multe straturi de sidef... Oare in tot ceea ce vedem frumos in jurul nostru este ascuns o astfel de suferinta ca cea continuta de o perla? Oare oamenii deschisi si fericiti se ascund sub acest val pentru a ascunde un lucru pe care il vor pastrat pentru insisi?!...De ce?!?... De ce suferintele, care oricat de mari sau de mici sunt, mai devreme sau mai tarziu raman in trecut, lasa urme atat de adanci incat simpla amintire provoaca tristete?!
Si daca intradevar este adevarata legenda formarii unei perle, intrebarea pe care ne-o punem in mod inevitabil la auzirea ei este... "Cat de valoroasa este defapt o perla?"

Nedreptate

2008-12-06T12:45:00.004+02:00

22 ani. Nu imi imaginam ca este varsta la care ajung sa spun ca viata este nedreapta. Si nu este nedreapta pentru ca sunt mult prea multe lucruri nedorite care se intampla in jurul nostru. Este nedreapta pentru ca intr-un moment in care te opresti din munca si privesti retrospectiv in viata, vezi copii, te vezi jucandu-te in cartier cu ei, te vezi mergand la scoala cu ghiozdanul in spate asteptand pauza mare. Te mai vezi avand emotii la bacalaureat si apoi fiori in momentul in care intri la primele cursuri. Iata-te in oras alaturi de prietenii facuti in facultate, iar acolo esti la examene incercand sa copiezi ceva de la cel din fata...Daca intorci capul la ce te asteapta, vezi o familie, un cuplu care se vede seara cand se intorc de la serviciu. Vezi un copil care plange ca i-a fost dor de parinti si vezi ceasul fixat pentru ora la care te vei trezi sa mergi dimineata la serviciu. Te vezi bandu-ti cafeaua si citind un ziar, ignorand parca plicurile cu facturile intentionat nedesfacute.
Intr-un moment de luciditate, te vezi unde esti acum... intre doua perioade diametral opuse, dar care apartin unei vieti a unui singur om. Si tot ce le desparte este o linie imaginara, trasata de fiecare cand consideram ca este cazul. Implicatiile in schimb sunt capitale. oricat de mult ti-ar fi explicat parintii ce te asteapta, oricat de mult ai fi auzit la cunostinte, ai fi vazut in filme, ajungi sa realizezi ca nu este nici macar comparabil cu ce te asteapta. Si realizezi totodata, ca acum, pe aceasta fasie ingusta intre desert si oaza pe care te afli acum,...acum este momentul in care iti permiti sa risti. Acum ai ocazia sa gresesti si sa tragi invataturi din greseli. Acum, cand drumurile pe care putem merge sunt toate deschise, cand ne putem intoarce usor sa o luam pe alt drum pe care il consideram mai bun sau mai luminat. Acum trebuie sa ne ascultam sentimentele si sa ne urmam visurile, pentru ca in timp, drumurile se inchid... se ingusteaza. Norocul este ca tot in timp, calatoria nu o faci singur... ci alaturi de persoana iubita si copii. Adevarata NEDREPTATE este ca la sfarsitul oricarui drum pe care il alegem ne asteapta... o groapa si un epitaf

Recif

2008-12-05T12:36:00.003+02:00

"Blestemata fie seara in care m-am apucat de fumat"... spunea la un moment dat o persoana. Mare adevar. Nu numai pentru ca nu este sanatos, ci si pentru ca devine o depententa. Urata dependenta... la tabiet, la nicotina, la cafeaua care vine la pachet... la tot... Suntem inzestrati cu "liberul arbitru"... cel putin asa sustine scriptura, pentru cei care o citesc. De ce oare alegem totusi varianta care ne aduce tot timpul cele mai multe greutati atasate? De ce nu exista o alegere pe care sa o facem si sa fie pur si simplu buna?!? Trebuie sa existe ceva care sa se intoarca impotriva... precum valurile lovesc un recif situat in mijlocul oceanului. Nu exista sfarsit... Si nici egalitate. O lupta la care inamicul este infinit mai puternic decat cel invadat. Fara posibilitatea unei abatize... La fel este lovit si omul... de alegerile pe care le face sau pur si simplu de persoanele din jur. Cu sau fara motiv, mai mult sau mai putin meritat. Problema este fragilitatea fiecaruia. Valurile nu vor putea distruge niciodata mai mult decat ceea ce este iesit la suprafata apei. Fiecare din noi trebuie sa invatam cat sa ne ridicam reciful in oceanul cotidian pentru ca fiecare din noi sa stim la ce sa ne asteptam. Mai sunt si persoane care prefera sa se scufunde. Sa se scufunde inspre adanc, in haosul intunericului si raceala apei...in liniste. Unde nu sunt multe pericole ...sau deloc. Acolo unde metehnele societatii trec lin pe langa, parca incetinite de maiestria puternicul colos care urca piramidal si ajunge la suprafata de forma unui varf de ac. Si nu este poltronie aceasta scufundare. Dimpotriva. La suprafata este lumina... este clar totul. Nimic nu este secret. In adancuri in schimb.... acolo este adevarata batalie. O batalie care nu ar trebui sa fie purtata de unul singur. Macar un alt recif sa aibe aceeasi baza cu a ta. Au loc schimbari astfel; apa care trece printre devine mai curata... mai pura... datorita sodomilor care prin simpla prezenta gonesc impuritatile apei... Da prefer sa ma afund... cat mai mult...Si da...mi-am gasit si un recif cu care sa imi incep cruciada

Singuratate

2008-10-19T22:05:00.002+03:00

Cat de sinistru-i parcul in zorile de zi,

Cand te astept pe-o banca…dar tu nu stii sa vii

Cand umbra-ncetosata incepe a se pierde…

Nici raza lampadarului nu pare ca ma vede.

Dansul perfid de frunze ce-alearga imprejur

Ma-nchide intr-o lume ce n-am vazut demult

In care umbra mea cea neagra… templu de neatins

Zdrobeste orice lacat… priviri de jad incins

In dansul cel haotic al frunzelor uscate

Intra si a mea umbra… sa le cuprinda toate

Pentru-o secunda numai un gand mi-a incoltit

Sa fiu eu oare umbra?!?…Sau ce am devenit?!?

Nu mai imi simt nici corpul, nu0mi amintesc nici chipul

Cred ca si amintirea mea va disparea cu timpul

Si inghetat in suflet ridic privirea-n cer

Nu am nici o idee… nu stiu ce pot sa cer

Time...

2008-10-19T22:05:00.001+03:00

The first sunshine of the day…… Alone in the park. There is no one else anywhere around you. And even if it was you wouldn’t notice. You’re hypnotized by the leaves in their chaotic dance…. You fell the wind in your hair, it tickles you….But you don’t feel that either. you are watching the leaves…. how come the wind doesn’t tear them apart? why is it so simple for someone to tear someone else apart so easily, with a simple word, or by not saying a word, but the wind, as wild as it can be, seems to play with the leaves, like in a mystic dance. You watch them go up in the air, and then come back down…..in a perfect spiral. Could you do that ?!? Could you fly so high every time you are happy? could you touch the clouds and feel like there is only you in the whole world?!? What made you so happy? Was it that hot coup of coffee you drunk this morning?!? or that person who was similing at you on the bus….you don’t know, you don’t even care…

Ultima tigara

2008-10-19T22:02:00.002+03:00

Cand ai mai luat un fum din ultima tigara

Si te-ai gandit pierdut…a mai trecut o seara,

Doar luna vesnic alba incearca sa iti piarda

Dezordinea din minte in…Ultima Tigara.

Si nici chiar universul nu pare sa te miste

Nici vantul slab al noptii nu poate sa te piste

Esti mult prea captivat de ea… bizara noapte,

Vrei sa-ti vorbeasca umbra dar sa-ti vorbeasca-n soapte

Cand oare vei avea un petic intr-o oaza?

Cand nu vei mai avea nevoie nici de paza?

Cand va veni eternul la tine sa te ceara?

Cand vei mai lua un fum din Ultima Tigara?

(Dar vai ce scurt-a fost cea Ultima Tigara!)

Dezmintire

2008-10-19T22:02:00.001+03:00

i totul se va pierde intr-o singura clipire,

Nimic nu mai conteaza acum la despartire,

Si tot ce-a existat se ve topi in ploaie

Cand ganduri vor zbura din inima siroaie.

Tacerea ce a fost de fiecare data,

Se va asterne iar…dar alba si curata,

Fara de porti si ziduri ce vor s-o inconjoare,

Fara o nepasare ce stii cat de mult doare.

Si doar sunetul ploii va va lega cumva,

Cand stai si-auzi cum stropi lovesc ferestra ta,

Si te gandesti cu dor c-ai vrea sa ii vorbesti,

Sa-i spui ce te apasa, sa-ncerci sa te gasesti.

Nu poti sa fii deschis cand altii nu te-accepta,

Nu poti sa mergi pe drum cand nimeni nu te-asteapta,

Vrei doar un singur lucru… un simplu amanunt,

Sa stii ca nu faci umbra-n desert pe-acest pamant.

Epitaf

2008-10-19T21:59:00.001+03:00

Si iata c-a sosit si clipa despartirii,

Simt cum ma-nabus in valul neclintirii,

Ganduri, sentimente imi ies incet din minte,

Si mii si mii de voci incearca sa ma-ncante.

O! Cat de mult as vrea o mana sa m-ajute,

Sa nu simt ca ma sting ca niste frunze ude,

Sa mai alerg din nou pe-o raza de lumina,

Sa nu fiu ultimul actor ramas dupa cortina.

Sa ma mai plimb agale printre copaci in parc,

Sa mai inot in mare cu soarele in larg,

Sa se topeasca vantul ca timpu-n parul meu,

Sa vad cum ploaia bate la geamul meu mereu.

Sa mai tresar ca spicul din lanul aurit,

Cand stiu ca dimineata sunt doar al tau zenit,

Sa fiu o simpla nota din tot acel cvartet,

Dar sa fiu eu nota ce este in antet.

Totul in jurul meu…incepe…se destrama,

Nu mai aud nimic… doar sunete de goarna,

Nu mai exista zi, e doar eterna noapte,

Si e ecou pe camp… in jurul meu doar moarte.

Si ploaia de la geam s-a transformat in piatra,

Vantul ca un demon, ma rupe, ma destrama,

Safirul pur al apei devine-acum noroi,

In parcuri numai cruci, pe banci numai moroi.

Si teatrul s-a distrus si zace in ruina,

Si nu mai vad nimic si nu-i deloc lumina,

Si simt cum putrezesc ca niste frunze ude…

Vai! Unde-i mana ce sper sa ma ajute?

Si vocile-au tacut nu mai aud vreun sunet,

Ganduri, sentimente s-au prefacut in vuiet,

Ma adancesc incet in valul neclintirii,

Parc-a durat un secol secunda despartirii.

Resemnare

2008-10-19T21:58:00.001+03:00

Si iar ma regasesc descult

Privind la usa dintr-un colt

Si-astept pe clanta sa apesi,

si-astept in casa sa pasesti.

Dar tu nu intri. Ma intreb…

De ce nu suntem un intreg,

Sa ne-ntelegem din priviri,

Dar stiu… noi suntem doua firi.

Noi nu vom putea nicicand

Sa impartim acelasi gand,

Sa ne-ntelegem din priviri,

…Pentru ca suntem doua firi.

De ce e oare atat de greu

Sa vezi ca mai exist si eu,

sa te mai uiti si-n ochii mei,

Sa vezi cat pot fi ei de grei.

Dar poate ca nici eu nu pot,

In suflet sa-ti gasesc un loc,

Sa te ascult cand vorbesti

Sa fiu atent la ce-ti doresti.

Solitudine

2008-10-19T21:57:00.001+03:00

Azi mai mult ca niciodata

Ma simt o umbra-ntunecata

In jurul meu nu e nimic

Din ce in ce ma fac mai mic.

Si dau cu mana-n intuneric,

Gasesc doar haosul isteric

Gandirea incet-incet se-neaca,

Si-usor corpul mi se-apleaca.

Zgomote ma inconjoara…

Urechile-ncep sa ma doara

Nu disting vreun sunet clar,

Totul este un calvar.

Sufletul meu nu mai poate…

Vede ca nu va razbate,

Si simt cum ma paraseste…

Frigu-n mine incolteste

Ghemuit, plangand, strigand,

Soarta neagra blestemand,

Ca-ntr-un vis oripilant,

Stau suspendat in neant.

Si ma intreb daca cumva

Nu mai este cineva

Care ca si mine-acum

A ajuns la cap de drum…

Si cu ochii larg deschisi

Si cu pumnii strans inchisi,

Din plinul plamanilor

Tip disperat “AJUTOR”

Si raman inmarmurit…

Nu se aude nimic

Si cu gandul ingrozit….

Realizez ca am murit!

Paradox

2008-10-19T21:50:00.002+03:00

De ce tot timpul trebuie sa facem aceleasi lucruri? Nu ca ar fi neaparat o problema ca trebuie sa facem aceleasi lucruri. Problema este ca mai mult de jumatate din ele nu ne face placere sa le facem. Si atunci de ce le facem? Oare pentru ca le fac si ceilalti? Oare din cauza unui mic complex de inferioritate care sta ascuns in fiecare din noi si care ne spune ca trebuie sa facem si noi cursul acela de pictura doar pentru ca l-a facut vecinul si acum este director general la o banca? Pana la urma ce legatura are banca cu pictura? NICI UNA! exact. Cum nu se poate spune ca exista o legatura clara intre oameni. Dar totusi cautat sa fim cat mai asemanatori. Nu… nu toti… Si nu sa fim asemanatori. Desi in timpul zilei, pe o strada aglomerata, din toate persoanele care trec, nu se stie daca se fac remarcate si prin ce anuma macar 10 din ele. O coafura ciudata, niste ochelari de soare prea mari, machiaj prea strident, haine prea gay sau orice altceva. Rar… foarte rar, o persoane se face remarcata prin expresia fetei, printr-o grimasa sau printr-un gest. Si totusi fiecare din noi asta cautam. Pe cineva care sa semene cat mai mult cu noi. Fie ca este de acelasi sex, sau de sex opus, fie ca il/o cautam pentru a ne fi prieten/a sau iubit/a, cautam persoane in care sa ne regasim cat mai mult. Cu adevarat Norocoase sunt persoanele ce reusesc sa-si gaseasca acea persoana. Problema apare totusi si atunci cand ai gasit o astfel de persoana. Amandoi sunteti constienti ca va asemanati foarte mult. Si totusi ceva tine o bariera intre voi. Si nu stii ce anume. Incerci sa te gandesti daca din cauza ta. Posibil… toti facem greseli, nu? Dar de ce nu iti spune? De ce nu te anunta sa stii cu ce ai gresit? Sa stii cum anume poti incerca sa repari ce ai facut? Dar atunci cand intervine indiferenta… atunci este grav. Si nu ar fi problema asa de mare daca ai stii ca intr-adevar asta isi doreste. Dar ceea ce nu poti intelege este de ce cand sunteti voi doi… este perfect, va completati si va intelegeti perfect, iar atunci cand apare cineva, parca uita de tine. Parca ii este rusine cu tine. Esti ca un tocilar din filmele americane cu care toata lumea se intelege bine in particular, dar in public toti trec pe langa tine. si nu ti-ar parea rau daca ai stii ca nu poate fi altfel sau ca este vina ta… Dar asta este viata… Te vei obisnui ca atunci cand iesiti mai mult pe terasa sa vorbiti cu oricine altcineva decat cu respectiva persoana… Pentru ca se pare ca restul nu au problema… Bizar…. Paradoxal.

Autoportret

2008-10-19T21:47:00.000+03:00

Fiecare persoana este unica in felul ei, nu? Oare!?! Cred ca fiecare din noi avem cel putin anumite puncte in comun. Fiecare om este mult prea complex pentru a exista cineva care sa nu se regaseasca chiar si in cel mai diferit om fata de el insusi. Chiar si persoanele superficiale, sau care vor sa fie superficiale. Tot ascund ceva, tocmai acel ceva pe care nu il vor ca ceilalti sa il afle, care ii fac sa se asemene cu alte persoane. Personal, nu am nimic de ascuns… Numai gandurile si impresiile celorlalti asupra carora nu am eu autoritate. Sunt visator: visez la dragostea perfecta si la prietenia perfecta. Doua lucruri care nu se pot intersecta. Visez la a acea dragoste in care sa nu conteze nimic… unde suntem, cu cine, cand si cat. Atat timp cat suntem noi doi. Visez la acea dragoste care sa nu fie bazata pe materilism… ci pe persoana. Complicat, stiu… este greu de gasit asa ceva. Totusi prietenia perfecta nu este greu de gasit… Cineva care sa te inteleaga din priviri. Sa iti citeasca gandurile, sa stie ce iti doresti sau ce gandesti. Sa fie mandru ca ii esti prieten asa cum te mandresti si tu. Sa stie cand ai nevoie de cineva cu care sa vorbesti si sa stie cand ai nevoie de atat de mult zgomot incat sa nu mai auzi nimic in jur. Sa stii ca il poti suna la orice ora si ca iti raspunde nu pentru ca ii suna telefonul si vrea sa nu il mai auda, nici sa nu iti raspunda ca trebuie pentru ca ii esti prieten, ci sa iti raspunda pentru ca vrea. Sa fie langa tine cand esti abatut, dar cu adevarat nu cu un banal “ai patit ceva” cand mai sunt persoane de fata. Sa simta ca nu mai are nevoie de alti prieteni atunci cand esti cu el… pentru ca stii ca asa ar trebui. Prietenul cel mai bun sa stie mai multe despre tine decat tu despre el, asa cum a spus chiar el candva… Sa isi dea seama cand ai nevoie sa fi bagat in seama cand sunteti mai multi la o terasa, sa stie cam ce iti convine si ce nu. Intr-adevar, este o responsabilitate mare. Dar si rasplata este pe masura… Sentimentul pe care il ai stiind ca oricand poti suna pe cineva care nu va fi deranjat de telefon ci din contra, bucuros este unic… Eu stiu… i used to feel it.

Evadare

2008-10-19T21:34:00.000+03:00

Mai devreme sau mai tarziu toata lumea simte nevoia sa evadeze… Problema apare in momentul in care nu avem unde. Fie ca nu stim exact de ce fugim si avem doar sentimentul de gol, fie ca ne-am certat cu cineva important, avem unele momente in care am dori sa devenim invizibili, sa nu mai stie nimeni numarul nostru de telefon, sa nu mai stie nimeni adresa…sa devenim niste umbre pe care nu le-ar recunoaste nimeni daca le-ar vedea, sau si mai bine, nu ar acorda nici o importanta. Si cand nu avem ce face?!? Cand nu avem unde fugi, pentru nu avem unde sau pentru ca suntem obligati sa dam ochii in fiecare zi cu colega de serviciu din cauza careia suferim, sau colegul de facultate despre care stii ca iar o sa vorbesca aiurea…?!? Ce se intampla atunci? Oricat de mult ti-ai dosri ca totul sa treaca cat mai repede si mai neobservat stii foarte bine ca nu o sa fie asa. Ai vorbi cu cineva… Da… o idee buna, dar cu cine?!? Stii ca nu poti sa vorbesti cu prietenii pentru ca nu au timp pentru tine, sau daca au timp, e probabil sa nu te inteleaga… iar sa fii judecat, iar sa primesti reprosuri… De ce nimeni nu mai asculta? Parca toata lumea se grabeste atat de tare, incat au uitat sa fie oameni… au uitat ca uneori raspunsul “NIMIC” la intrebarea “CE-AI PATIT?” cere o a doua intrebare “SIGUR?” In aceste conditii, cum ai putea impartasi of-urile cu cineva care nu este dispus cu adevarat sa te ajute?! Cum ai putea sa vorbesti cu cineva care nu ar sta sa te asculte in adevaratul sens al cuvantului? Cu cineva pe care l-ai vedea ca se uita la ceas in asteptarea unui moment si motiv propice pentru a se vedea nevazut?!? Preferi atunci sa mergi acasa… sa asculti muzica preferata si sa stai in pat, pe intuneric… si vin si rezolvarile la probleme… sau prietenii, pentru ca daca avem prieteni, ne simt starile, indiferent ca sunt de tristete, melancolie, nebunie sau bucurie.